increase

I have been stuck on a mental plateau that, last night, I finally reached the end of. My mind is now progressing again at a quick pace. Even though the things my mind is obsessing over may not be the brightest, I am so joyful because I am thinking about life in a deeper way than I have been for the past few months. IT feels good to have my mind working again.

Recently I have discovered my artistic abilities are greater than I thought. I want to find my passion in the arts because, as of now, passion is the main component I am lacking. Painting is slow, but the results are beautiful. I think I am so caught up in time recently that the slowness of painting is frustrating me. For who knows when time will end!??!

Next semester I am taking english, mass communication, french, pilates, and an art class. I don't know what art class I want to take. We shall see. I may also take astrology and a few other courses.

GOOD MUSIC

so much

There is so much I want to do that I don't even know where to begin. I want to do so much that all I can do is sit here on my bed doing nothing. I feel like I'm wasting my life. I have so many thoughts that just sit in my brain all day long. I feel like I'm going crazy.

I just got a job which I am very excited about. I can't wait to pack up and explore the world. All I want to do for the next year is work work work, save save save, then explore. I feel like I'm stuck in a routine.... the place I said I would never let myself be. Were those only words I was saying in that moment of pure energy? Or am I being real when I tell myself to never settle?

I am settled here, and I hate saying that. I don't want to be here and stay surrounded by these same people. I love this place and I love these people, but I feel trapped. I feel trapped by their standards and words. I want to be myself and do what I want to do, but if I don't know either of those definite answers, how can I?

I was hit by a car on Monday. Two hours prior to the accident, I was confidently telling my friend about how, "I have never been in a car accident and I never will be. Or if I am, it won't be my fault." Well, I was half right.

The accident has changed my mind on a few things. I have so many plans and so many aspirations, but what are plans when my life could change in one second? I am laying here on my aching back because of this car accident, but things could have been so much worse. My life could have been changed forever. Actually, I think my life was changed forever. I am forever changed by Michael Ward, the man in the black Ford Mustang who hit the brakes a second too late and went bumper-to-bumper with my Dodge Neon. Life is so fragile and I think I have so much power over it all. I am so young. I have SO MUCH life ahead of me, but then again I have just as much of a chance that I don't have that much life ahead of me at all.

All I know is that I am here, right now, in this moment.

That is all I know.

this moment

Well, I'm still on step one. Every day I wake up wanting to move a different direction with my life. One day I am completely set on studying art, the next day it's sociology, and the next it's communication. Today I want to be a journalist. As I sit here listening to Explostions In The Sky, I feel like my head is exploding.I am so focused on life in 10 years that I feel like I'm missing out on what I should be excited about: this moment, right now. What am I doing with my life NOW? I know that everything will fall into place for me and I will end up where God needs me if I just continue to pursue Him. I am so often distracted by the future that I cannot even sit back and enjoy where I am right now, in this moment.

Right now, I'm laying on my bed in my underwear with my dog, Shasta. I am listening to my "chill" playlist on a good friend's old iPod and am typing on my netbook with toothpaste on my face. Right now, I am realizing that no matter how hard I try, I don't know what the future holds for my life. Why am I so caught up in later when I have right now to be thinking about? I am awake and living; what more do I need in this moment?!


I do think that planning for the future is important and I am planning as I go along... I just can't plan every detail.

Step 1, here I come.







p.s. Last night I had a very scary dream. In the dream I was visiting my old water polo coach and team at a pool I had never been to.
It was a weekend tournament and my team wasn't doing too well. My coach was happy to see me but he was intimidating as always. I chatted with my old teammates about their games while we walked down a flight of stairs with huge steps to my house built into the side of what looked like a giant-sized set of bleachers. Once we reached my house my teammates disappeared and I appeared in my home with my mom, "husband," and an old man. To me, this old man was my friend Christina.
While I was in the kitchen, this old man and my family were all sitting at the dining room table. Once the conversation hit a lull, the old man stood up, walked across the room, and turned a light off. My husband walked over to turn the light back on and the old man stabbed him! My husband fell on the floor dead. Shocked, my mother stood up but was captured and strangled by the old man. These deaths happened in mere seconds while I was in the kitchen hearing it all and catching glimpses of struggling shadows cast on the kitchen walls through the doorway. When I slowly walked back into the dining room, the old man seemed a bit distraught, yet surprisingly calm. I didn't understand why at first, but he kept telling me to "put some clothes on;" when I looked down at myself I realized that I only had on an extra-large cardigan.
I was bracing myself for an attack but the murderer seemed uninterested in me. I stood in the middle of the room, awestruck, while the old man quickly gathered his coat, weapon, and a few papers so he could leave my home into what was now the dark, cold night. As he walked toward the door, my hand slipped into my pocket and pulled out my cell phone. Glimpsing at my phone that held the 3 key-strokes to what I thought would be his demise, the old man stopped and turned to me just before his exit. "Don't worry about telling anyone," he said, "because you're next."

windy city

Here I am with Jill in Chicago.

STEP 1: find a job. After that, everything will fall into place.

Bluey Louie

My 12-year-old parakeet, Bluey Louie, is dying. I can hear his wings flapping in the other room as he struggles to stand on his aged, weak limbs to maneuver himself through his black, cell-like cage. All he wants is a sip of water, but he can barely move a centimeter towards it before he becomes too fatigued to move anymore. He is struggling for his life. All he wants is to make it through to another day, but as I sit here and listen to his struggling wings and shuffling feet, I wonder if his struggle is worth anything. Is it worth it to be alive another day when death is certain around the next corner? Is the struggle really worth anything? Does the one life of this little bird really matter?

Yes. Bluey Louie is the strongest bird I know and has lived a full life. He continues to show his strength through his yearning to take one more step, no matter how painful or heartbreaking it may be. This little bird inspires me to go after everything I want with all that I have because, well, that's all I've got. One life.

"Yeah Camp!"

That's right, here I go to Lost Canyon for a month of working my buns off! No cell phone, but if you want stay in touch PLEASE write me letters! Preferably letters full of encouragement and love!

Write the address like this!

Kelsey Waldron-Work Crew
Young Life Lost Canyon
1450 Perkinsville Rd
Williams, AZ 86046


Yay (:


So, today I got a letter in the mail from my friend, Tommy. He's working on houseboats all summer! He sent me a Polaroid of himself on a houseboat plus two pages of encouraging words about how life is on the delta. I am so thankful for everything God is doing in his heart while he is away.

Today I felt very organized as I went to OCC to take care of my scholarship information. I had all the information I needed with me, ready and avalible for the woman to take care of everything. I hope that this organization carries on to my next years of schooling!

After I took care of my business in the scholarship office, I went to seek out job information. I easily found a few job openings on campus and that was that. I came home, applied online to the bookstore, and went over to Megan's to swim.

When I dried off after soaking in the pool, I checked my phone and had a text message from my dad telling me to call the OCC book store......... In less than 3 hours after applying I was offered a job! This may all change because of my leaving for a month, but hopefully this job will come through! Regardless of the outcome, life always will continue to be amazing(: I am so thankful for the blessings I have in this life. God, help me to know how to bless others. AMEN!

makes ya feel kinda small

My mind cannot comprehend the things I have been thinking about. I am so blessed to live where I live and to have an amazing family. I am blessed with health, friendship, and the ability to comprehend and understand situations. I am blessed with all these things, but why?

I try my best to use my blessings to bless others, but it's hard. It's difficult to get my head out of this world's self-centered views. I put myself as the center of the universe too often; life is just not like that! I have much importance, but at the same time I mean no more than any other person on this earth. I am important, but we are all important. Without one person, this world would be completely different.

home

You say all you want is to be real, but you can't even be real with yourself.



This world is so foucused on all the wrong things.

So I saw that there is nothing better for people than to be happy in their work. That is why they are here! No one will bring us back from death to enjoy life after we die. Ecclesiastes 3:22

How wonderful to be wise, to analyze and interpret things.
Wisdom lights up a person's face,
softening it's harshness. Ecclesiastes 8:1

blah blah

everyone is afraid to be vulnerable. I know I am. I try not to be, but I will never pretend I'm not afraid. I see this weakness in myself and I want to get rid of it in the world.

I never want to be in search of ways to tear people down just to lift myself up. I only search and dig for the good in people. I believe in the good; I believe that the good can take over the evil.

there is good all around us in EVERYTHING; we just have to be looking for it.

insecure

I think it's important to confront people about things that make you uneasy or uncomfortable.


When I look at people around me I see many people that I believe to be very confident. Are they confident? Or just good actors?


I see the insecurities of people closest to me. Not all of them, but many of them. They have enough trust in me to let me know in some way that they are insecure or self conscious. Whether they say "I am insecure about..." or I can just see the insecurity in the way they act in certain situations, somehow, if they trust me enough to not let their big, insecure secret out to the world, I get a glimpse of my close friends in a light that is shielded from the world. These insecurities are so amazing when they are revealed. The insecurity itself has little meaning, but the fact that the person had enough trust/faith/boldness to go out on a shaky limb in this judgemental world and show me a part of them that is insecure is so beautiful to me.

When someone shows me a completely broken side of themselves I gain so much respect for that person. This world makes insecurities so much greater because of it's judgemental front it puts up for all to fear. I respect people who are strong enough to have a million insecurities yet still be bold for what they believe in. I respect people who are transparent about their insecurities. I hope that I can be that way, and I hope that I can always be someone who is not judgemental like this world is. Let's just be happy and real with each other. I love you.

this is epic

You cannot pause life. So many times I see people hating where they are and only looking forward, not embracing the moment they are in. I don’t want to be that person. Every moment and every situation is so important to my life and my story. I am so excited to be able to tell people in 20 years that I endured things that I didn’t enjoy with an infectious smile on my face. I never want to say I hate a certain moment of my life. One thing that has been hitting me hard recently as I am about to graduate is how crazy my journey has been. Getting ready to move on has made me look back on my choices and the events that have been huge- or not so huge- in my life.

Sometimes I feel really self-conscious of my past. I don’t want to share certain parts of my story because it shows that I was weak. But that’s just it- I WAS weak. I mean, I still am very weak and am growing every day, but there have been some insanely low points of my life that I am not proud of at all. Recently, through the recent past reflections I have been taking, I have been teaching myself to be proud of my journey. I want to be proud of how far I have come from my horribly low lows. The road I have ended up on is definitely something I am incredibly proud of.

I grew up not hearing much encouragement from anyone, especially my parents. While I know they tried their best, I have definitely suffered greatly from “middle child syndrome” for my entire life. I have felt neglected and less important than others around me since I was born and always focused on making others happy to get positive attention. It was difficult for me to grow up in a situation like that. I imagine that situation to be difficult to many children, middle children or not. Telling myself that I am sincerely proud of myself makes me tear up. This pride is not a self-centered, egotistical pride, but a pride of another kind. I have been so broken for my entire life, searching for someone to tell me they are proud of me. I have finally found peace in feeling worth something, and all I want is for others to feel worthwhile! Every single person on this earth has so much meaning and purpose- there is not one person who doesn’t matter. I want people to know this. I want kids to grow up with people surrounding them telling them they love them and that they are proud of them. I don’t want kids to have to suffer like I had to. I want everyone to know that someone LOVES them and has a plan for them!

God knows everything about me; He knows everything about you. He created us to be in relationships with each other, but most importantly in a relationship with Him. God wants to love on you and tell you He is proud of you. I mess up every day, but I know that God will always be there for me to catch me when I fall. When I make those mistakes, God is there with open arms waiting for me to run back to Him. I know that He has the best life ever laid out for me! God has his arms wide open for you, too. I know that God has an everlasting love for you and all He wants is to see you smile. He wants to see you laugh and wants to be there for you when you cry. He wants to tell you that you are His child and you mean more than the world to Him. After all, God knew how many times we were going to mess up and stray from Him but He still decided to endure the worst death so that we can live! God sent His son, Jesus, to die for us. Jesus was and is pefect. He had no reason to die, but Jesus shed His blood and endured horrific persecution for me and for you. For us! God must see something really special in us to have laid down His life for us. I really believe in that.

Because I know what it feels like to be torn down, all I want to do is lift people up. What is the point of being negative all the time? Is it possible for me to love everything and love everyone I come across? No, it’s not possible of me; but with Jesus, everything is possible.

hm

On Thursday I took my placement tests at OCC. They were relatively simple and everything is good with that. My best friend was even at school when I was there so we got to hang out! Woo! When I got back to my car with Jen after my tests there was a $17 parking ticket on my window. It was lame but I didn't let it bum me out. At that point in time, I had $13 in my possession.

I kind of forgot about my ticket, and I also forgot that I had to babysit on Friday night. I planned to hang out with some of my friends that night, completely forgetting about the previous commitment I had made! We were on our way to the beach when I got a phone call from the house I was supposed to be at. We quickly turned around and I got my little tush over there! Unfortunately, because of my horrible memory and lack of correct planning, I had to let down my friends that I had planned a fun night with. I was sad about that, but babysitting was very fun. The kids were so nice and we played Butts Up like nobody's business!

The parents got home at 11; the kids were already in bed. We all had a good night. As I was driving home with my payment of $32 in my pocket, I realized that God had completely provided for the ticket I had received the day prior. I drove home humbled.

crazy

I am insane.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mkay gurl!

God is so good. How can we go around hating life when God has blessed us with so much!? Every breath you take is such a blessing; embrace every one!


I love encouraging people. I want to surround myself with them. Jesus is the only thing that matters. Why is that such a hard concept to remember sometimes? This world tells you things that will only break you down. I KNOW that Jesus will NEVER let you down!!! If you think He has let you down, just wait; something amazing is going to come from it.

anger problems?

Found this on a website:

"A Parallel
If I get a splinter in my finger, my body reliably tells me about
it. Only by knowing about it will I know to get some tweezers
and remove it.

When I remove the splinter, my body gives a sigh of relief, as if
to say, "Thanks, I needed that."

While the splinter is still in my finger, that spot is very tender
and easily hurt. But once the splinter is removed, then healing
can occur. When healed, my finger no longer over-reacts to
being touched (or poked).

The Root Cause Of Your Anger
In a similar way, there is some wound inside you that causes
you to spontaneously, emotionally, react when someone
pokes you with a sharp stick.


In other words, the painful, angry reaction is proof that a
"splinter" exists,

Angry outbursts are God's way of saying, "There is a
splinter here that needs to be removed."

After the "splinter" is removed and the wound heals,
there will be less and less outbursts of anger, and
eventually none.

Anger Is Not Sin
The emotion of anger is not sin. However, it can impel us to
sinful behavior.


"Be angry, and do not sin. Meditate within your
heart on your bed, and be still (Psalms 4:4 NKJV).


Instead of trying to bury your anger, you need to recognize
that it is simply a warning signal telling you there is a problem
inside (a wound that just got poked). You need this
information so that you can "remove the splinter."

Instead of running from your anger, you should "meditate
within your heart" to find the root cause.


A Spiritual Solution
A splinter is a physical thing, and needs a physical solution -
take out the splinter with a pair of tweezers, and disinfect it so
it can heal.

A wound in the heart requires a spiritual "tool" to remove the
offense, so that healing can occur.

How?
The reason you have not succeeded in eliminating your anger
problem is that you haven't known exactly how you can
accomplish a change through Jesus Christ."

The normalcy of blowing off plans or being stood up in today's society is crazy. Everyone wants instant gratification and thinks that others need that, too. When you run into someone you haven't seen in a while it's normal to say "AW I miss you we need to hang out!" then never call. It has become so normal to say those words that in the moment when you see each other it would be "awkward" to not say that, even if you don't really feel that way. Sure, it happens and people actually do end up hanging out and catching up, but it goes either way.

People make plans and say "definitely" when in their minds they are thinking "if nothing better comes up". It's just disappointing. I am guilty of this, but I don't want to be anymore. It disgusts me about our culture. So does text messaging in front of friends or in the middle of a story. It's become so normal, but I don't want to be that person. I want to give you my full attention. Sure sometimes a text message is needed but I don't want to be that way anymore.

Ways to improve my life:
1. Be accountable- stick to plans, or stop saying definitely and start saying maybe.
2. Be attentive- don't let a text message interrupt conversation.


wassup! peace sucka free sundae

I am laughing

I have 7 locked text messages on my phone. I read them when I need a good laugh or my mind needs something to ponder. They are awesome hahaha.

Dating has me so stumped right now. So many people around me are constantly dating someone; It makes me frustrated how people expect me to be like that too. Maybe I just have high standards, but I'm not the kind of person who meets anyone then jumps straight into a relationship with them. Friendship is so important to me when it comes to someone I choose to date. Guys who meet me then start up the dating/relationship talks when we first start hanging out really turn me off. I don't just "casually date" people. When a guy is pursuing me in that way right off the bat it makes me feel like my mind and the way I think have nothing to do with whether or not he wants to be with me. It makes me feel like how I look or how I outwardly present myself are the only reasons they are pursuing me. I like my mind; I want a man who appreciates it too. I do think that physical attraction is important, but I know that the next man I'm going to date is going to be the one who pursues me completely as a friend, a brother in Christ.

All I want is to be friends with everyone. I'm going to marry one man, so why not be friends with the rest of them? Better question: why waste my time with the rest of them?


I'm so done being fake with everyone. Yesterday I danced like I haven't danced in months, and it felt so good. I realize I have become so caught up in.. something, recently. I'm so happy I'm not anymore and I done trying to impress others. I am ffffrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee myspace.com/willcrum

I imagine the rest of my life

I want to be sitting somewhere I love- this place is travelling everywhere and picking different people up. All these people are in this place, meeting each other and getting along. There are no hard feelings, no harsh words; just love. Everyone is helping and everyone is talking. Real talking, not fake, gossip talk. Talking about things that matter and not paying attention to anything else. What matters anyways? I hope the cover of People magazine or any of those are the last things you would ever list.

People are walking in and out, smiling, laughing, chatting; going places. This is what life is about: relationships and walking with others through life. All I want to do is meet people and walk through life with them. When times get hard, I want to be there for them and I want to be able to count on them to be there for me. Nothing should be hidden or kept secret; what's the point? Most problems arise when people don't directly and rationally confront something bothering them. And if they are confronted, people let themselves get too hurt over the truth. If it's the truth, let it be. Our minds are so powerful that we can make ourselves believe a completely exaggerated or incorrect "truth". Let's not let that happen. Reality is all I want from everyone. Is my reality different than yours? Maybe. Let's talk about it.

feels good

I'm angry. I'm mad because I have not been my happy self this past month. A month of not feeling like myself has just put more anger inside of me. It's been a cycle of not being myself and being angry about the fact that I can't take control of that. A really angry, not-myself cycle. I don't know why I haven't been myself. I just want to be completely full of joy again. I remember I used to be completely FILLED and overflowing with joy but I lost something somewhere. Somehow I just got off track and it frustrates me that I can't get back on track! I'm mad at myself for not being able to figure things out and I'm mad at God for not telling me things I want to know about now and about the future. I'm so angry that I can't even listen anymore. I'm sure if I opened my eyes to see and let my ears listen and let my mind comprehend, I would be able to hear what God has been trying to say to me all along. But I have too much anger inside to try and do those things!!! I have never let myself be angry with God and people have been telling me recently that it's not a good thing. Not being angry with God means I don't let myself be completely open with God, or with anyone. I have just recently been able to tell everything about my life to people and it feels so good. I was falling so low but now I feel like I am starting to have things in control. The more I start to feel like i have control, the more God makes things crazier so I feel like all my control is gone! This is God saying "Hellllllloooooo, give it all to ME! Your burden is heavy! Let me help!" I have always been the kind of person who wants to do everything by myself. I realize this, but the mere realization of this part of me does not fix the problem. No matter how much I say I need to let God take these burdens from me, I won't let Him. Jesus died the worst death so that I would have life to the fullest, and I won't let myself take hold of that! I am too scared to let God have all of my life. He used to have all of me; I used to be filled with joy. Now that I am growing and more opportunities and doors are opening for me, I don't know which way to choose. I say I want to do things for God's glory, but do I? Is my passion selfish, or selfless? I'm having a hard time distinguishing between the two. Is that God's voice? or Satan's? I want SO BADLY to live my life for Christ but I forget how! How can I forget something so significant in my life? I have been shoving all my questions, doubts and anxiety away thinking I was giving them to God to handle when in reality I was just keeping it all for myself for the back of my mind to figure out. I wish it wasn't so easy to lose sight of meaningful things.
I don't enjoy letting myself be angry with God. After all, He created me and everything in the huge freakin universe! But maybe what people have been telling me is right. I am God's child and I am bound to not understand Him sometimes. He knows everything; I know so little. I stated above that I felt anger towards God.... there's a step in the right direction I think. These long-evaded tears flowing down my face are telling me that this is a step forward.
I am being vulnerable right now. I think as humans that's something we try to do as little as possible. It sets us up for pain, something I know most people hate.


I've been reading my old posts on here and laughing at myself. I miss my joyful self. I really miss that. I miss having laughing attacks and always being the person to go to when you needed a smile. I miss being encouraging to others, but mostly to myself. People have been telling me I need to be more selfish sometimes and take some time for myself, but that's not it. It's God. It's all God! Life is so meaningless. Fights are soo meaningless. Hurt feelings are meaningless. Lies and deceit are meaningless. Momental happiness is meaningless. But LOVE, great and unconditional: that is what matters.


I'm listening to copeland, reading my old posts, and I am so proud of myself. No one ever tells me they're proud of me. A few nights ago, while I was being my recently very antisocial-self, an amazing friend came over to talk with me. He told me, after I laid down all my insecurities about my life and my ministry, "When you get to heaven, God is going to take you in his arms and tell you 'Daughter, I am proud of you.'" That meant so much to me.

I'm gettting back to how I used to be. If you read this monster of a post, thank you for taking a journey through my mind and heart with me. This has been a really awesome blog to write. I am crying right now, tears of awe. God is so awesome. He is the reason I was so passionate and the reason I feel passion coming back inside me. Reading my old posts has been so funny and amazing. I laugh at how happy I wrote in some of them. So much passion behind my words. Why did that leave me? Now I realize it didn't leave me; I ran away from it. Right now, God, I am running back to you. I pray that I stop forgetting the reason I am where I am today. My life would be worthless without you, God.


I give it all. Take it, I don't want it anymore. I do not have a soul; I am a soul. I have a body.

crave

I crave reality. I can't believe so many people go so long in this life being fake to everyone! It bums me out! My life has been SO amazing ever since I started being real with myself and everyone around me. It makes me sad that people are too afraid to let themselves be real! It's scary at first, letting your real self be vulnerable. But after you stop being fake for a while, you realize that being fake takes so much work and the effects aren't even worth it in the end. Being real is so much more rewarding.


Plans (that may or may not change):

1. Graduate (hopefully this plan does not change)
2. OakBridge with Megan, Lissele & other ladies
3. LostCanyon for a month with the new best friends I haven't met yet
4. Keep making my relationship with Christ so much stronger
5. Palm Springs / a taste of freedom
6. Summer = Get fit
7. Keep taking pictures
8. Art @ OCC
9. Agency hunting

blessed

I am so happy right now. God's hand has been all over my life and I hate how I miss that so easily. I have been so blessed and I am thankful.

I'm trying not to stress over anything. Meaningless, vanity, that's all this world consists of. There is nothing to be stressed about. If being real with someone means hurting their feelings, then that is alright. The truth is 100% always better than even the smallest lie. I have met someone I can be completely honest with and he is completely honest with me. He makes me want to be a better person and encourages me like crazy. I am blessed.

In stopping trying so hard to make everything work, I have realized that the most simple things are the most amazing things. When you meet someone and things just don't work, don't force anything no matter how much you think you want to like them. When you meet someone who fits perfectly with you, nothing is forced about it. There are no bad feelings involved. There is no confusion. You just know, I guess.

Happy Birthday, Jennifer

Dear Jen,
I love you so much. You are so good to me. God placed us perfectly in each others' lives exactly when we both needed a good friend. You constantly challenge me to think deeper about things and for that I am so grateful. I support you in everything you want to do. Let's continue to be real together.
Love, Kelsey.


p.s.
remember the best show ever at the Alley when it was just pure dance before that and the Clinic closed down?
remember when there was a couch in the middle of the freeway? and in the middle of that alley where we took pictures in santa ana?
remember the first time we saw Eric at starbucks and how it's now a reoccurring, happy event?
remember all the times we have met great people, like that artist by gypsy den and that photographer by the circle?
remember when I ran that red light at the circle on accident hahaha.
remember all the people who have come in and out of our lives and we are the only ones that have stayed constant?

,

You can't make other people think like you. You can't make people see what you see. Knowing a lot of musicians, I have been thinking a lot about their reasons behind playing. Do you play for yourself, to affect others, to spread a message of some kind? I know that there are so many people around this earth that think like me and have similar thoughts as me. I pray for them. I pray that they be encouraged in everything they do. All a musician can do is put their music, their soul out there. Musicians really are so vulnerable. When someone makes something that is so beautiful to them, there are always people who will be disgusted by it. No one thinks the same or has the same taste in anything. Compatible tastes are so important in any relationships. Even respect of others tastes are important. Compromise is important too. Some people are so full of pride that they can't let someone else get their way. I pray for them. I know I act that way sometimes and I pray that I don't.


What can you control? Yourself. Pray about everything else. Worrying about anything won't get you anywhere. Just pray.

Becca!

This blog is dedicated to Becca because she told me I need to get back into writing these. Called out hard! But I needed it (:

Haha! So, I am ridiculously filled with SO MUCH JOY right now. My back is killing me, but I know that God is taking care of me. Tonight I hung out with Calvin at the library to buckle down and get some work done. We did, but then our ADD kicked in and we strayed our thoughts from our work and started talking about some cool stuff. I have been realizing lately that God is using my past mistakes and my testimony in positive ways. There really is good that comes out of every single situation that happens, God makes it that way. Even when you think the worst thing in the world just happened, I know that God will use it to make some good come out of it! I am NOT saying that God makes bad things happen; I'm saying that if you let Him, God will transform the bad into so much good!

Recently I have felt led to do missions. This is something that God has really put on my heart. At first I was looking into mission trips through different organizations .... but recently I have been looking at my call in a completely different light! I am so stoked!!!! "We don't just go to church, we are the church." We don't have to go out to some obscure 3rd world country to do missions or to evangelize. That is needed, yes, but think of all the things in your community that need help! I am so excited to be where I am right now and to know the people I know. God will use you wherever you are and I want you to realize that!!! God is using you in every situation. I mess up every day but I know that God has so much love for me and for you, even and especially in our imperfections. I am stoked. Let's just love each other, mannnnnn. I know this amazing guy named Jesus who has completely transformed my life into something completely and constantly joyous. If you are feeling down, pray about it. Let God take the stress off your hands. Jesus is the only one who will completely satisfy your life. All these worldly things, they are so good in the moment. But if you're sick of being let down and tired of being stressed and sad over the things and feelings of this world, let Jesus take care of it. He loves you so much and wants you to know Him! Getting to know Jesus has been the best time of my life, and I want others to experience this amazing life too.

I love you

Peace sucka free sundae!

pow/wow

Travis took that picture of me on the beach with his fish eye. It was a good day.

It's funny how some people you see every day and never notice them or speak to them, and others you get up the guts to talk to and they end up being in your life forever. It makes me want to talk to everyone.

Recently I've been really depressed, but not in a worldly depressed way. I am still full of so much joy, but joy and feelings of depression can happen at the same time sometimes. It's weird how that can happen. I'm not sad because of myself or because of anything I can really control at all; I'm depressed because we live in a sad world. Our world has blown so many things out of proportion and has made so many things "okay." Every day I am surrounded by so much negative energy and that makes me so sad!!!!!! I want everyone to be happy and positive!! That's something completely out of my control and that makes me depressed. All I can do is pray about these things. One thing God has really been teaching me lately is that prayer works, it REALLY works!!! He's also been teaching me that I am so foolish. Does the realization of this foolishness make me wiser? I do not know. I'll just pray.

I pray that I can be a positive light. I pray that my amazing friends be encouraged. I pray for my cousin as she makes difficult decisions. I pray for you reading this that you will pray too. I pray that we can learn to ask God what to pray for, because God will not say yes to prayers that do not further His Kingdom. I pray for wisdom for me, for you, for Obama, for my wonderful friends.

Today I had a chance to look back on how I used to live my life as I had good talks with a good friend. I am so thankful for how God is transforming me and using me after the sin my life was stuck in and is still struggling with.

Psalms 43:5
Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
I will praise him again—
my Savior and my God!

..

time




where do you spend yours?




Do you ever think about how a minute is 60 seconds? You can easily count that. Every second you count is a second closer to the end. LIVE IT

dead

I am dead tired. I haven't been this busy since I played water polo. When I look back on those years of my life from the amazing place I am now I am so glad I moved on to better things.

The play, Flowers for Algernon, is going well. Two more nights. This play gets me so worked up, but I think I'm going to miss it once we're done. I won't miss being so busy all the time, though. I need time to think.

I am in the last semester of my high school life. I am excited to be out of this little bubble of high school, but I'm embracing all the things I can take out of my last semester. I know that there is so much I can take out of my experiences here if I let myself.

My cousin, Jill, from Illinois is going to come out and visit soon. I love her sooooo much and I'm really excited. I hope she goes to school out here so we get to hang out more than once or twice a year!



I miss you. Jesus, life, friends, sleep, everything. Everything. Everything is starting to look amazing, and I know that Jesus has everything to do with it. I can feel great things happening all around me. I know that I am right where God wants me and I am ready to take it all in.

overwhelmed

I've been thinking about everything today and it's overwhelming my mind. Too much random, unorganized thinking is not healthy, I have decided. I need to organize my thoughts. I hope this makes no sense to you.

This world sucks. Jesus is the only good thing about living. I don't understand how people can stand being on this earth with nothing to look forward to or nothing to be pursuing. I am pursuing Christ and that is the only thing constant in my life. Other than that, nothing is constant. It is difficult to live with little consistency of anything. When life is boring ,I want it to be more exciting. When life is exciting, I want it to slow down. Life is so crazy right now and I just want everything in my life to shut up. I wish I had more self control and I wish I was in heaven praising God with everything of my soul.

I love loving people but I wish everyone loved everyone. I guess the fact that so many people have so much hate make loving people a rare thing.

I wish I didn't feel like I needed anything else constant in my life besides God. I only feel like this because of the dumb situation I have put myself in. I shouldn't let myself get like this. I want to draw the line but I've already passed it. I need my feelings and my wants to go away. Googly googly go away, I don't want you here anymore. God's will, not mine.

grow

I keep this blog for me, almost as a journal really. Just somewhere to put all my thoughts. Something to keep track of how far I've come and how much I've changed. I like doing it on the internet though, just in case someone reads something and it sparks their own epiphany.

Alone time with God and with your own mind is so important. The past few years I was so drained all the time. Every second of my time I was busy doing something or thinking about things that needed to be done. When I look back on last year, I realize how much I learned about myself. I learned the value of time spent alone and the value of being together with just God and me.

This weekend has been amazing and eye opening. I am so excited for life and for where God is leading me. It's not always easy doing the things that God wants me to do. I feel called away from here and out into the world. It's scary because I'm just a little girl, but I can't be scared of anything with God's strength within me. I feel called to know people and to love people. In a few years, I can see myself doing God's work everywhere. God has blessed me with a family who encourages me and inspires me. Europe, here I come.

I am so excited to be out in the world doing these things, but I know that I have so much more to learn and so much growing I need to do before then. I've grown in so many ways in 6 months, imagine in 2 or 3 years. I can't wait to look back on these words and these thoughts then. Let's grow together. Let's become who we're meant to be.

I love you

I feel like life all around me is moving so fast and my mind is so slow. This week has been so busy and I just want to think; I just want my mind to expand and take things in. I just want to hang out and have good talks with everyone in the world. "You never know how everyone you meet will affect your life" or something like that, is what Brent always tells me. I like it and I believe it.


Maybe I am just tired, or God is revealing amazing things to me... amazing.



I never want to feel like people older than me are taking advantage of my age. Just because I'm 18 doesn't mean I'm naive. ALright?!

Peace sucka freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

:::::

I am sitting on the brown couch in the corner of my pink and green room listening to indie 103.1 streaming on my computer. I have been having awesome thoughts and conversations with God while sitting here. So much of my life I have spent trying to earn the approval of people around me, and for what? When people dislike me after I haven't been myself around them I get way more bummed than when they don't like me and I have been completely myself. I wish everyone could just be real with each other. Why is it so embedded in our brains to be something we're not? Why are we all so afraid to let ourselves be vulnerable?

After letting myself be myself and letting myself be vulnerable, I've been realizing that it's really not as crazy or hard as I make it out to be. When I am true to myself and how I think and how I feel, I am so unbelievably happy. Right now, I am so happy! I just want to talk with everyone!

Have you ever been walking down the street or driving in your car looking at someone next to you that you have never seen before, and think to yourself, "I am never going to see this person again if I don't do something about it." I think that all the time! But what is holding me back from talking with them? Our world has this little definition of "normal" that only consists of the most boring lifestyle I have ever heard of. I feel crazy, like I am the only person who has ever talked about this. Why do I feel two tugs on my heart when I want to talk to that random person on the street? One tug says "go for it", and the other one says "that's too weird!" Why is the latter in my heart?! God has filled me with a passion for people and for their thoughts and feelings. I want to know everyone on a deeper level than just saying hello. I want to fill my head with so much knowledge that I feel like it's going to explode. I NEED to explore everything! God has filled my heart with this longing, this want, this need to not just know things, but to experience them. I don't want to see pictures of the Eiffel tower, I want to feel it and see it and smell the earth around it. I don't want to see pictures and say I know anything about anything, because a picture can't teach me what I want to know. I don't just want to know; I want to experience. I have this passion for experiencing everything and everyone in this world and it's time to let it out.

transformation

sometimes I get really frustrated and angry over very small things. In the moment, these things seem so important and like a huge deal. But after, as I am evaluating my initial reaction, I realize that I need to just relax. So Many things seem like they matter so much when really they are of little or no importance. A goal of mine is to try and not let my initial reaction be super crazy. I've recently been realizing how much of an emotional burden dramatic people are and I do not want to be a burden like that on anyone ever.

I lost my iPod again and this time, as sad as it is for me to admit, I don't think I will ever see it again. I loved my iPod. We had so many good times together. I will miss you, little guy!! Thankfully, I have an amazing friend who is letting me borrow her itouch. Oh man this thing is so awesome! It makes me want an iPhone really bad. I am stuck with an out of date cell phone and no iPod.. But there's no reason for me to complain. I am blessed with so many thwbgs and so many amazing people in my life. I was not put on this earth to just enjoy myself. I am here to do God's work and I am the full of joy to do it.

I am looking forward to where I am headed in the next few years. I can't wait for all the experiences and adventures ahead of me. I pray that I can always remember why I am here and how I am blessed with so much. Let's talk about bigger things than this world.

Love you!! Peace sucka free sundae

For some reason

others see things in me that I would never have noticed if no one had pointed them out. Maybe I'm just not looking, or I just don't care to notice.


I am having a weird day. Yesterday I rode 40 miles after not riding since before my Chi-Town trip. Today my knees ache and my head hurts. I am tired. The ride was really fun last night, and the men of LAFixed are very talented at being creepy.

I had a job interview today. It went pretty well I think, beside the fact that I can never seem to arrive anywhere early. What's my biggest weakness? Time management.


I have plans. High school puts my plans on hold, but probably for good reason. I'm not ready. Or am I? I don't know. My self confidence has been really low today and I don't like that.

peeeeace sucka free sundae, dawgz.