so much

There is so much I want to do that I don't even know where to begin. I want to do so much that all I can do is sit here on my bed doing nothing. I feel like I'm wasting my life. I have so many thoughts that just sit in my brain all day long. I feel like I'm going crazy.

I just got a job which I am very excited about. I can't wait to pack up and explore the world. All I want to do for the next year is work work work, save save save, then explore. I feel like I'm stuck in a routine.... the place I said I would never let myself be. Were those only words I was saying in that moment of pure energy? Or am I being real when I tell myself to never settle?

I am settled here, and I hate saying that. I don't want to be here and stay surrounded by these same people. I love this place and I love these people, but I feel trapped. I feel trapped by their standards and words. I want to be myself and do what I want to do, but if I don't know either of those definite answers, how can I?

I was hit by a car on Monday. Two hours prior to the accident, I was confidently telling my friend about how, "I have never been in a car accident and I never will be. Or if I am, it won't be my fault." Well, I was half right.

The accident has changed my mind on a few things. I have so many plans and so many aspirations, but what are plans when my life could change in one second? I am laying here on my aching back because of this car accident, but things could have been so much worse. My life could have been changed forever. Actually, I think my life was changed forever. I am forever changed by Michael Ward, the man in the black Ford Mustang who hit the brakes a second too late and went bumper-to-bumper with my Dodge Neon. Life is so fragile and I think I have so much power over it all. I am so young. I have SO MUCH life ahead of me, but then again I have just as much of a chance that I don't have that much life ahead of me at all.

All I know is that I am here, right now, in this moment.

That is all I know.