Wednesday, September 30, 2009

this moment

Well, I'm still on step one. Every day I wake up wanting to move a different direction with my life. One day I am completely set on studying art, the next day it's sociology, and the next it's communication. Today I want to be a journalist. As I sit here listening to Explostions In The Sky, I feel like my head is exploding.I am so focused on life in 10 years that I feel like I'm missing out on what I should be excited about: this moment, right now. What am I doing with my life NOW? I know that everything will fall into place for me and I will end up where God needs me if I just continue to pursue Him. I am so often distracted by the future that I cannot even sit back and enjoy where I am right now, in this moment.

Right now, I'm laying on my bed in my underwear with my dog, Shasta. I am listening to my "chill" playlist on a good friend's old iPod and am typing on my netbook with toothpaste on my face. Right now, I am realizing that no matter how hard I try, I don't know what the future holds for my life. Why am I so caught up in later when I have right now to be thinking about? I am awake and living; what more do I need in this moment?!


I do think that planning for the future is important and I am planning as I go along... I just can't plan every detail.

Step 1, here I come.







p.s. Last night I had a very scary dream. In the dream I was visiting my old water polo coach and team at a pool I had never been to.
It was a weekend tournament and my team wasn't doing too well. My coach was happy to see me but he was intimidating as always. I chatted with my old teammates about their games while we walked down a flight of stairs with huge steps to my house built into the side of what looked like a giant-sized set of bleachers. Once we reached my house my teammates disappeared and I appeared in my home with my mom, "husband," and an old man. To me, this old man was my friend Christina.
While I was in the kitchen, this old man and my family were all sitting at the dining room table. Once the conversation hit a lull, the old man stood up, walked across the room, and turned a light off. My husband walked over to turn the light back on and the old man stabbed him! My husband fell on the floor dead. Shocked, my mother stood up but was captured and strangled by the old man. These deaths happened in mere seconds while I was in the kitchen hearing it all and catching glimpses of struggling shadows cast on the kitchen walls through the doorway. When I slowly walked back into the dining room, the old man seemed a bit distraught, yet surprisingly calm. I didn't understand why at first, but he kept telling me to "put some clothes on;" when I looked down at myself I realized that I only had on an extra-large cardigan.
I was bracing myself for an attack but the murderer seemed uninterested in me. I stood in the middle of the room, awestruck, while the old man quickly gathered his coat, weapon, and a few papers so he could leave my home into what was now the dark, cold night. As he walked toward the door, my hand slipped into my pocket and pulled out my cell phone. Glimpsing at my phone that held the 3 key-strokes to what I thought would be his demise, the old man stopped and turned to me just before his exit. "Don't worry about telling anyone," he said, "because you're next."

1 comment:

Gwen said...

Oh my gosh Kels that is soooo freaky!! I used to have nightmares all the time, and I started praying for peaceful sleep when I went to bed. Nightmares = bad, God = GOOD!
I love you, sleep tight tonight!