Sunday, May 31, 2009

this is epic

You cannot pause life. So many times I see people hating where they are and only looking forward, not embracing the moment they are in. I don’t want to be that person. Every moment and every situation is so important to my life and my story. I am so excited to be able to tell people in 20 years that I endured things that I didn’t enjoy with an infectious smile on my face. I never want to say I hate a certain moment of my life. One thing that has been hitting me hard recently as I am about to graduate is how crazy my journey has been. Getting ready to move on has made me look back on my choices and the events that have been huge- or not so huge- in my life.

Sometimes I feel really self-conscious of my past. I don’t want to share certain parts of my story because it shows that I was weak. But that’s just it- I WAS weak. I mean, I still am very weak and am growing every day, but there have been some insanely low points of my life that I am not proud of at all. Recently, through the recent past reflections I have been taking, I have been teaching myself to be proud of my journey. I want to be proud of how far I have come from my horribly low lows. The road I have ended up on is definitely something I am incredibly proud of.

I grew up not hearing much encouragement from anyone, especially my parents. While I know they tried their best, I have definitely suffered greatly from “middle child syndrome” for my entire life. I have felt neglected and less important than others around me since I was born and always focused on making others happy to get positive attention. It was difficult for me to grow up in a situation like that. I imagine that situation to be difficult to many children, middle children or not. Telling myself that I am sincerely proud of myself makes me tear up. This pride is not a self-centered, egotistical pride, but a pride of another kind. I have been so broken for my entire life, searching for someone to tell me they are proud of me. I have finally found peace in feeling worth something, and all I want is for others to feel worthwhile! Every single person on this earth has so much meaning and purpose- there is not one person who doesn’t matter. I want people to know this. I want kids to grow up with people surrounding them telling them they love them and that they are proud of them. I don’t want kids to have to suffer like I had to. I want everyone to know that someone LOVES them and has a plan for them!

God knows everything about me; He knows everything about you. He created us to be in relationships with each other, but most importantly in a relationship with Him. God wants to love on you and tell you He is proud of you. I mess up every day, but I know that God will always be there for me to catch me when I fall. When I make those mistakes, God is there with open arms waiting for me to run back to Him. I know that He has the best life ever laid out for me! God has his arms wide open for you, too. I know that God has an everlasting love for you and all He wants is to see you smile. He wants to see you laugh and wants to be there for you when you cry. He wants to tell you that you are His child and you mean more than the world to Him. After all, God knew how many times we were going to mess up and stray from Him but He still decided to endure the worst death so that we can live! God sent His son, Jesus, to die for us. Jesus was and is pefect. He had no reason to die, but Jesus shed His blood and endured horrific persecution for me and for you. For us! God must see something really special in us to have laid down His life for us. I really believe in that.

Because I know what it feels like to be torn down, all I want to do is lift people up. What is the point of being negative all the time? Is it possible for me to love everything and love everyone I come across? No, it’s not possible of me; but with Jesus, everything is possible.

Saturday, May 23, 2009


On Thursday I took my placement tests at OCC. They were relatively simple and everything is good with that. My best friend was even at school when I was there so we got to hang out! Woo! When I got back to my car with Jen after my tests there was a $17 parking ticket on my window. It was lame but I didn't let it bum me out. At that point in time, I had $13 in my possession.

I kind of forgot about my ticket, and I also forgot that I had to babysit on Friday night. I planned to hang out with some of my friends that night, completely forgetting about the previous commitment I had made! We were on our way to the beach when I got a phone call from the house I was supposed to be at. We quickly turned around and I got my little tush over there! Unfortunately, because of my horrible memory and lack of correct planning, I had to let down my friends that I had planned a fun night with. I was sad about that, but babysitting was very fun. The kids were so nice and we played Butts Up like nobody's business!

The parents got home at 11; the kids were already in bed. We all had a good night. As I was driving home with my payment of $32 in my pocket, I realized that God had completely provided for the ticket I had received the day prior. I drove home humbled.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


I am insane.


Sunday, May 17, 2009

mkay gurl!

God is so good. How can we go around hating life when God has blessed us with so much!? Every breath you take is such a blessing; embrace every one!

I love encouraging people. I want to surround myself with them. Jesus is the only thing that matters. Why is that such a hard concept to remember sometimes? This world tells you things that will only break you down. I KNOW that Jesus will NEVER let you down!!! If you think He has let you down, just wait; something amazing is going to come from it.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

anger problems?

Found this on a website:

"A Parallel
If I get a splinter in my finger, my body reliably tells me about
it. Only by knowing about it will I know to get some tweezers
and remove it.

When I remove the splinter, my body gives a sigh of relief, as if
to say, "Thanks, I needed that."

While the splinter is still in my finger, that spot is very tender
and easily hurt. But once the splinter is removed, then healing
can occur. When healed, my finger no longer over-reacts to
being touched (or poked).

The Root Cause Of Your Anger
In a similar way, there is some wound inside you that causes
you to spontaneously, emotionally, react when someone
pokes you with a sharp stick.

In other words, the painful, angry reaction is proof that a
"splinter" exists,

Angry outbursts are God's way of saying, "There is a
splinter here that needs to be removed."

After the "splinter" is removed and the wound heals,
there will be less and less outbursts of anger, and
eventually none.

Anger Is Not Sin
The emotion of anger is not sin. However, it can impel us to
sinful behavior.

"Be angry, and do not sin. Meditate within your
heart on your bed, and be still (Psalms 4:4 NKJV).

Instead of trying to bury your anger, you need to recognize
that it is simply a warning signal telling you there is a problem
inside (a wound that just got poked). You need this
information so that you can "remove the splinter."

Instead of running from your anger, you should "meditate
within your heart" to find the root cause.

A Spiritual Solution
A splinter is a physical thing, and needs a physical solution -
take out the splinter with a pair of tweezers, and disinfect it so
it can heal.

A wound in the heart requires a spiritual "tool" to remove the
offense, so that healing can occur.

The reason you have not succeeded in eliminating your anger
problem is that you haven't known exactly how you can
accomplish a change through Jesus Christ."
The normalcy of blowing off plans or being stood up in today's society is crazy. Everyone wants instant gratification and thinks that others need that, too. When you run into someone you haven't seen in a while it's normal to say "AW I miss you we need to hang out!" then never call. It has become so normal to say those words that in the moment when you see each other it would be "awkward" to not say that, even if you don't really feel that way. Sure, it happens and people actually do end up hanging out and catching up, but it goes either way.

People make plans and say "definitely" when in their minds they are thinking "if nothing better comes up". It's just disappointing. I am guilty of this, but I don't want to be anymore. It disgusts me about our culture. So does text messaging in front of friends or in the middle of a story. It's become so normal, but I don't want to be that person. I want to give you my full attention. Sure sometimes a text message is needed but I don't want to be that way anymore.

Ways to improve my life:
1. Be accountable- stick to plans, or stop saying definitely and start saying maybe.
2. Be attentive- don't let a text message interrupt conversation.

wassup! peace sucka free sundae

I am laughing

I have 7 locked text messages on my phone. I read them when I need a good laugh or my mind needs something to ponder. They are awesome hahaha.

Dating has me so stumped right now. So many people around me are constantly dating someone; It makes me frustrated how people expect me to be like that too. Maybe I just have high standards, but I'm not the kind of person who meets anyone then jumps straight into a relationship with them. Friendship is so important to me when it comes to someone I choose to date. Guys who meet me then start up the dating/relationship talks when we first start hanging out really turn me off. I don't just "casually date" people. When a guy is pursuing me in that way right off the bat it makes me feel like my mind and the way I think have nothing to do with whether or not he wants to be with me. It makes me feel like how I look or how I outwardly present myself are the only reasons they are pursuing me. I like my mind; I want a man who appreciates it too. I do think that physical attraction is important, but I know that the next man I'm going to date is going to be the one who pursues me completely as a friend, a brother in Christ.

All I want is to be friends with everyone. I'm going to marry one man, so why not be friends with the rest of them? Better question: why waste my time with the rest of them?

I'm so done being fake with everyone. Yesterday I danced like I haven't danced in months, and it felt so good. I realize I have become so caught up in.. something, recently. I'm so happy I'm not anymore and I done trying to impress others. I am ffffrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

I imagine the rest of my life

I want to be sitting somewhere I love- this place is travelling everywhere and picking different people up. All these people are in this place, meeting each other and getting along. There are no hard feelings, no harsh words; just love. Everyone is helping and everyone is talking. Real talking, not fake, gossip talk. Talking about things that matter and not paying attention to anything else. What matters anyways? I hope the cover of People magazine or any of those are the last things you would ever list.

People are walking in and out, smiling, laughing, chatting; going places. This is what life is about: relationships and walking with others through life. All I want to do is meet people and walk through life with them. When times get hard, I want to be there for them and I want to be able to count on them to be there for me. Nothing should be hidden or kept secret; what's the point? Most problems arise when people don't directly and rationally confront something bothering them. And if they are confronted, people let themselves get too hurt over the truth. If it's the truth, let it be. Our minds are so powerful that we can make ourselves believe a completely exaggerated or incorrect "truth". Let's not let that happen. Reality is all I want from everyone. Is my reality different than yours? Maybe. Let's talk about it.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

feels good

I'm angry. I'm mad because I have not been my happy self this past month. A month of not feeling like myself has just put more anger inside of me. It's been a cycle of not being myself and being angry about the fact that I can't take control of that. A really angry, not-myself cycle. I don't know why I haven't been myself. I just want to be completely full of joy again. I remember I used to be completely FILLED and overflowing with joy but I lost something somewhere. Somehow I just got off track and it frustrates me that I can't get back on track! I'm mad at myself for not being able to figure things out and I'm mad at God for not telling me things I want to know about now and about the future. I'm so angry that I can't even listen anymore. I'm sure if I opened my eyes to see and let my ears listen and let my mind comprehend, I would be able to hear what God has been trying to say to me all along. But I have too much anger inside to try and do those things!!! I have never let myself be angry with God and people have been telling me recently that it's not a good thing. Not being angry with God means I don't let myself be completely open with God, or with anyone. I have just recently been able to tell everything about my life to people and it feels so good. I was falling so low but now I feel like I am starting to have things in control. The more I start to feel like i have control, the more God makes things crazier so I feel like all my control is gone! This is God saying "Hellllllloooooo, give it all to ME! Your burden is heavy! Let me help!" I have always been the kind of person who wants to do everything by myself. I realize this, but the mere realization of this part of me does not fix the problem. No matter how much I say I need to let God take these burdens from me, I won't let Him. Jesus died the worst death so that I would have life to the fullest, and I won't let myself take hold of that! I am too scared to let God have all of my life. He used to have all of me; I used to be filled with joy. Now that I am growing and more opportunities and doors are opening for me, I don't know which way to choose. I say I want to do things for God's glory, but do I? Is my passion selfish, or selfless? I'm having a hard time distinguishing between the two. Is that God's voice? or Satan's? I want SO BADLY to live my life for Christ but I forget how! How can I forget something so significant in my life? I have been shoving all my questions, doubts and anxiety away thinking I was giving them to God to handle when in reality I was just keeping it all for myself for the back of my mind to figure out. I wish it wasn't so easy to lose sight of meaningful things.
I don't enjoy letting myself be angry with God. After all, He created me and everything in the huge freakin universe! But maybe what people have been telling me is right. I am God's child and I am bound to not understand Him sometimes. He knows everything; I know so little. I stated above that I felt anger towards God.... there's a step in the right direction I think. These long-evaded tears flowing down my face are telling me that this is a step forward.
I am being vulnerable right now. I think as humans that's something we try to do as little as possible. It sets us up for pain, something I know most people hate.

I've been reading my old posts on here and laughing at myself. I miss my joyful self. I really miss that. I miss having laughing attacks and always being the person to go to when you needed a smile. I miss being encouraging to others, but mostly to myself. People have been telling me I need to be more selfish sometimes and take some time for myself, but that's not it. It's God. It's all God! Life is so meaningless. Fights are soo meaningless. Hurt feelings are meaningless. Lies and deceit are meaningless. Momental happiness is meaningless. But LOVE, great and unconditional: that is what matters.

I'm listening to copeland, reading my old posts, and I am so proud of myself. No one ever tells me they're proud of me. A few nights ago, while I was being my recently very antisocial-self, an amazing friend came over to talk with me. He told me, after I laid down all my insecurities about my life and my ministry, "When you get to heaven, God is going to take you in his arms and tell you 'Daughter, I am proud of you.'" That meant so much to me.

I'm gettting back to how I used to be. If you read this monster of a post, thank you for taking a journey through my mind and heart with me. This has been a really awesome blog to write. I am crying right now, tears of awe. God is so awesome. He is the reason I was so passionate and the reason I feel passion coming back inside me. Reading my old posts has been so funny and amazing. I laugh at how happy I wrote in some of them. So much passion behind my words. Why did that leave me? Now I realize it didn't leave me; I ran away from it. Right now, God, I am running back to you. I pray that I stop forgetting the reason I am where I am today. My life would be worthless without you, God.

I give it all. Take it, I don't want it anymore. I do not have a soul; I am a soul. I have a body.

Saturday, May 9, 2009


I crave reality. I can't believe so many people go so long in this life being fake to everyone! It bums me out! My life has been SO amazing ever since I started being real with myself and everyone around me. It makes me sad that people are too afraid to let themselves be real! It's scary at first, letting your real self be vulnerable. But after you stop being fake for a while, you realize that being fake takes so much work and the effects aren't even worth it in the end. Being real is so much more rewarding.

Plans (that may or may not change):

1. Graduate (hopefully this plan does not change)
2. OakBridge with Megan, Lissele & other ladies
3. LostCanyon for a month with the new best friends I haven't met yet
4. Keep making my relationship with Christ so much stronger
5. Palm Springs / a taste of freedom
6. Summer = Get fit
7. Keep taking pictures
8. Art @ OCC
9. Agency hunting