Tuesday, December 30, 2008


Being in Wisconsin has been so nice. I love being here. Sipping my mint tea and watching the snow fall as the sun goes down is calming.

http://www.myspace.com/januandthewhalesharks are calming also.

I'm so glad to be out of Orange County. It's so easy to get caught up in everything and not even notice. Small towns make it easy to take a step out of line to look at your life. My friends in Wisconsin are some of the greatest people I've ever known. I'm so lucky to be here with them right now.

Hahaha Delaney and Megan just ran from the sauna, through the house and into the snow in their bikinis. Wisconsin fun at its finest, everyone. I might join them before our Monopoly Madness night begins.

Last night we watched Shawshank Redemption. Every time I see that movie I find something even more amazing about it.

"I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright and when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice, but still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend."

For some reason that was what stuck out to me last night.

I'm not sure how excited I am to go home yet, but I am excited for 2009. Let's not get too far ahead of ourselves, but set our sights higher than ever. This is the prime of our lives. Let's get even more than we're supposed to out of it.

Saturday, December 27, 2008


I always have these dreams. Every night I remember them, but they don't feel like dreams in my memory. These dreams are so realistic it's difficult and sometimes impossible to decipher between dream and reality. Whether it was a dream or it was real, it's now just a memory soon to be forgotten. Memories are a funny thing. Some people will never forget certain things and certain interactions while another person has never thought about those moments twice.

It's raining in Illinois. It's a nice 60 degrees.

Friday, December 26, 2008


Sitting here on my cousin's bed looking out her window into a snow-covered world listening to the song on Jen's profile with my brother's noise cancelling headphones is one of the coolest things I've done in 2008. I think it's because I never see this much, but snow is so awesome! A few feet of snow would do everyone some good.

I hope everyone had a great Christmas yesterday. It didn't really feel like Christmas to me because I spent most of the day in airports and in the sky. It was a nice Christmas though. Now that I'm growing up I have learned to appreciate my family so much. I'm happy that we're so close no matter how many miles are between us.

2009 is going to be a pivotal year in my life. I feel called to explore and decipher what my strengths are and to work on my weaknesses. I'm really excited to see where God takes me and to see what opportunities I can grab hold of this next year. I don't know if I have any resolutions for 2009, but I definitely have expectations for myself and my life that I will live up to. Actually, I guess these are my resolutions:

- get a better job
- save save save
- say no when I need to, when I want to, and when I should
- not get caught up in worldly things like it is so easy to do
- continue to love

That's all I have for now.
Progress. Let's make some.

Peace Sucka Freeee Sundae

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

In the moment

Every moment seems so important to us when it is happening. Emotions cause action, and action is powered by the build up of past moments and the things happening at that moment in time. Sometimes I wish I could concentrate on not only the moment I am facing now, but every moment that has been and is to be. Moments are so small, so meaningless. Why, at every moment, do we feel that this moment is the most important moment in the world?

"The years have been short but the days were long"

That's a lyric from a shins song I've heard so many times. For some reason, the hundredth time I heard it, I didn't just hear it; I listened, I understood. When you think about this past year, how fast does it seem to have flown by? For me, ridiculously fast. When I think back on the memories I have made and the things I have done, I really remember that the moments I had spent doing things had seemed so long while they were happening. Every day cleaning cabins at Woodleaf the days seemed to have more than 24 hours in them. But then, at the end of the month when we were all crying our goodbyes, we were all stuck wondering where time had gone. It did not feel like we had been there for a month. When I came back home from Woodleaf and stepped into my room, it felt like I had only been gone for a few hours. This feeling made me cry so hard that night because I had so many memories and I had changed so much in that month, but everything at home was exactly the same. I knew that no one here would be able to understand those feelings I was having. I had just experienced the most amazing transformation of my heart and mind, and it seemed like it was all for nothing the second I stepped back into my old life. Every day, a little part of me wishes I was back at Woodleaf.

Time is something I don't care very much about. I'm always late, and I absolutely do not care. I guess that's bad of me to say but let's just be honest here. Time is so worldly and I don't concentrate on things of this world. They don't make me happy.

WELP, see you later. I'm flying to Chicago on Christmas day and I'll be home on January 4th. Everyone be safe and have a great new years eve and day(: Remember why we celebrate Christmas.

PEace Sucka freeee sundae

Monday, December 15, 2008

Everyone has things that they struggle with. Sometimes it's just easier to concentrate on the good in yourself and ignore the bad, while focusing on all the bad in other people. Just because you're better than someone in one aspect doesn't mean you're better than them in other ways. It's easier to point out bad things in other people than it is to point them out in yourself.

I'm working on living a more simple life and spending less money on things that I don't need or have another way of getting. For example, I don't need to go out to eat as often as I do. I don't need a new shirt every few weeks, or at all. Some people live with one outfit for years. Am I so self-conscious that I won't let myself wear the same thing more than once? omg, outfit repeater!

Some of these things I would have never thought about if they weren't brought to my attention. Having a car places my family in the top 5% wealthiest in the world. You probably aren't that far off if you're reading this in the comfort of your own home with your computer with internet access. We take all of this for granted and that sucks. All we want is more and more; The greed never ends. You've probably heard all this before. Nothing I'm saying is new to you. How come I've said these things a million times before and I've heard them said to me a million more, but I still continue to be the selfish person that I have always been. Maybe habit. Maybe it's just easier to follow the crowd. The real crowd, though, isn't as blessed as I am. Top 5% remember? I want to live like that. I don't need all these things. My Christmas list was getting way out of hand. Want to get me a present? The most memorable gift I have ever been given was by my amazing friend Tommy. He sponsored a girl in my name through world vision. That was the best gift ever and I will never forget it.


I remembered my dreams right when I woke up, but then I got distracted and forgot them. Story of my life, dawg!

Foals are my new obsession. I love this song.

"Suns up we wait
all day
Suns up we wait
all day all day

the hell outsides kept away
if only we could move away
from here

This is how
we build a place
an aviary for today
an aviary for today

let's disappear till tomorrow
let's disappear till tomorrow
dis-a-ppe-ar ar ar ar

blow up these play parades
let's go
to an aviary far from home
to an aviary far from home

a one hand clap is me and you
and you and you and you
while the hell outsides kept away
if only we moved away

dis-a-ppe-ar ar ar ar

last vacation was the same
we got moved away
last vacation was the same
we got moved away
last vacation was the same
we got moved away

sun down now we have built
our place
an aviary forever
an aviary forever
forever forever


Yeah it's pretty good.

Yesterday I really found a lot of motivation and inspiration that I knew was coming my way. I liked it. Why is life so complicated? Why do I have to own so many things? Or spend so much money? The simple life is where it's at. Who wants to buy my clothes??! All of them!

Kidding. Peace Sucka freeeeeeee moNdAeeeeeee!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Dreams I had last night:

I had a dream I was raped and got pregnant but I decided to keep the baby. I became a world speaker on love and how this world is meaningless and we should all just love each other. Does it take rape to talk to people about that? I feel like sometimes it takes something so out of place in our daily lives to speak about anything out of the ordinary. Anyways, that was one dream.

I had another dream that I was a skid champion. I've been having bike dreams consecutively for many nights. I'm pretty sure I keep having skid dreams because I'm annoyed that I'm too chicken to skid. I won a new bike frame in this dream too. No more centurion conversion! Haha, but I love my bike. I don't need anything fancy and I'm not going to pretend I can afford anything fancy either.

The past two weeks have been really weird for me. I'm in a transition phase in my life and I don't know what I'm transitioning into. I feel God leading me somewhere and it's really hard sometimes to just follow him with no idea where I'm going. It's exciting though!
I have been really antisocial and I'm really sorry about that. I'm getting really down about everything but I know that I'm going to be getting over this hump in my life soon. After graduation I see everything falling into place for me. Right now I'm stuck doing things I'm not passionate about but I'm determined to find inspiration. Maybe I won't though. I need to pray, I need to be in God's word. This is going to be a tough transition for me but I hope you, my friends, can stick by me. I feel this transition starting to tear me apart already, but God is my strength. With Him I can get through anything. He has placed all of you reading this in my life for a reason and I'm so thankful every one of you. Thank you for being a part of my life, big or small.

Peace sucka free sundae!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

You'd break your neck to keep your chin up

That's a lyric from Chin Up by Copeland on their most recent album. I am in love with the progression they are making as a band.

I'm excited for life right now. Everything is moving pretty quickly and I like that. The only thing I feel is holding me back is high school. I'm trying to embrace my last few months but honestly I just don't want to be there. I don't care anymore. I'm over being social with the people at my school. I just sit in the drama room all day and sleep haha.

I like and dislike growing up all at the same time. Wondering where I will end up in a few years makes me crazy sometimes. I always just tell myself not to think about it; That's my plan for everything stressful. Don't think about it, don't worry about it, everything will be good. Maybe that's why I was voted most optimistic ha. I don't think about the bad and only speak of the good.

"I've got my life in a suitcase,
I'm ready to run, run, run away..
I've got no time, 'cause I'm always trying to run, run, run away
'Cause everyday in here feels like it's only a game.
I've got my life in a suitcase, a suitcase, a suitcase.."

I have these dreams, good ones, every night. I always wake up wishing they were real.
Today I realized once again how much better my life is with Jesus in it. I haven't been reading my bible and I know that's been throwing me off. I don't know what to focus on and I know it's because I haven't been talking with God enough. We have so little to offer him in return for what He's given us, at least we could give Him some time. This life is meaningless anyways. Nothing here matters. I need to constantlly remind myself of that fact. I lose sight of meaningful things all the time. Love matters. Eternity matters. When everyone around you is so focused on the meaningless things of this life it's easy to lose sight of what matters. I don't want to lose my sight. I can see God so clearly as I write these words. Heaven is my home, it's where we're meant to be. God wants us there with Him, rejoicing with Him!

Let's be happy and do good while we live. Do what you love. Be joyful in everything. Be thankful for every breath.

Peace sucka freee sundae<3

Friday, December 5, 2008

Big Bear

I'm going to Big Bear Lake this weekend with my lafixed friends<3

Today at work I just wanted to get out of there. It was so slow and I wanted to be hanging out with my best friend! I picked up our paychecks though, which was a plus. Another plus was these three kids who came in with their mom. They were talking with me and telling me stories about their day; I loved it. Those kids made me so happy. Seeing how innocent and unbelievably joyful they were in everything and each other made me happy. I wish I could be at that stage in life again sometimes. They told me the best stories. Their mom was the nicest lady, too. I pray that kids like that don't grow up too fast. I grew up too fast. I don't know how, but I want my kids to learn to embrace their childhood. I guess growing up too fast is a part of growing up.... I don't know ha. Sometimes I wish I would have known things while I was younger that I know now,,, but then I wouldn't have ended up where I am now. I make so many mistakes as I grow each day and it's really lame in the moment a mistake happens. After, though, it's not such a big deal. I've learned to accept that I am flawed. Learning new things and letting my brain think forever are my favorite activities these days. I'm so blessed to have been given a mind with the all thoughts and ideas I have. I can't wait to see how God uses me and my brain to expand his kingdom on this earth. This earth is so meaningless, but the people on it are not. I don't know where God will take me; All I can do now is grow.