Sunday, May 10, 2009

feels good

I'm angry. I'm mad because I have not been my happy self this past month. A month of not feeling like myself has just put more anger inside of me. It's been a cycle of not being myself and being angry about the fact that I can't take control of that. A really angry, not-myself cycle. I don't know why I haven't been myself. I just want to be completely full of joy again. I remember I used to be completely FILLED and overflowing with joy but I lost something somewhere. Somehow I just got off track and it frustrates me that I can't get back on track! I'm mad at myself for not being able to figure things out and I'm mad at God for not telling me things I want to know about now and about the future. I'm so angry that I can't even listen anymore. I'm sure if I opened my eyes to see and let my ears listen and let my mind comprehend, I would be able to hear what God has been trying to say to me all along. But I have too much anger inside to try and do those things!!! I have never let myself be angry with God and people have been telling me recently that it's not a good thing. Not being angry with God means I don't let myself be completely open with God, or with anyone. I have just recently been able to tell everything about my life to people and it feels so good. I was falling so low but now I feel like I am starting to have things in control. The more I start to feel like i have control, the more God makes things crazier so I feel like all my control is gone! This is God saying "Hellllllloooooo, give it all to ME! Your burden is heavy! Let me help!" I have always been the kind of person who wants to do everything by myself. I realize this, but the mere realization of this part of me does not fix the problem. No matter how much I say I need to let God take these burdens from me, I won't let Him. Jesus died the worst death so that I would have life to the fullest, and I won't let myself take hold of that! I am too scared to let God have all of my life. He used to have all of me; I used to be filled with joy. Now that I am growing and more opportunities and doors are opening for me, I don't know which way to choose. I say I want to do things for God's glory, but do I? Is my passion selfish, or selfless? I'm having a hard time distinguishing between the two. Is that God's voice? or Satan's? I want SO BADLY to live my life for Christ but I forget how! How can I forget something so significant in my life? I have been shoving all my questions, doubts and anxiety away thinking I was giving them to God to handle when in reality I was just keeping it all for myself for the back of my mind to figure out. I wish it wasn't so easy to lose sight of meaningful things.
I don't enjoy letting myself be angry with God. After all, He created me and everything in the huge freakin universe! But maybe what people have been telling me is right. I am God's child and I am bound to not understand Him sometimes. He knows everything; I know so little. I stated above that I felt anger towards God.... there's a step in the right direction I think. These long-evaded tears flowing down my face are telling me that this is a step forward.
I am being vulnerable right now. I think as humans that's something we try to do as little as possible. It sets us up for pain, something I know most people hate.

I've been reading my old posts on here and laughing at myself. I miss my joyful self. I really miss that. I miss having laughing attacks and always being the person to go to when you needed a smile. I miss being encouraging to others, but mostly to myself. People have been telling me I need to be more selfish sometimes and take some time for myself, but that's not it. It's God. It's all God! Life is so meaningless. Fights are soo meaningless. Hurt feelings are meaningless. Lies and deceit are meaningless. Momental happiness is meaningless. But LOVE, great and unconditional: that is what matters.

I'm listening to copeland, reading my old posts, and I am so proud of myself. No one ever tells me they're proud of me. A few nights ago, while I was being my recently very antisocial-self, an amazing friend came over to talk with me. He told me, after I laid down all my insecurities about my life and my ministry, "When you get to heaven, God is going to take you in his arms and tell you 'Daughter, I am proud of you.'" That meant so much to me.

I'm gettting back to how I used to be. If you read this monster of a post, thank you for taking a journey through my mind and heart with me. This has been a really awesome blog to write. I am crying right now, tears of awe. God is so awesome. He is the reason I was so passionate and the reason I feel passion coming back inside me. Reading my old posts has been so funny and amazing. I laugh at how happy I wrote in some of them. So much passion behind my words. Why did that leave me? Now I realize it didn't leave me; I ran away from it. Right now, God, I am running back to you. I pray that I stop forgetting the reason I am where I am today. My life would be worthless without you, God.

I give it all. Take it, I don't want it anymore. I do not have a soul; I am a soul. I have a body.

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