You cannot pause life. So many times I see people hating where they are and only looking forward, not embracing the moment they are in. I don’t want to be that person. Every moment and every situation is so important to my life and my story. I am so excited to be able to tell people in 20 years that I endured things that I didn’t enjoy with an infectious smile on my face. I never want to say I hate a certain moment of my life. One thing that has been hitting me hard recently as I am about to graduate is how crazy my journey has been. Getting ready to move on has made me look back on my choices and the events that have been huge- or not so huge- in my life.
Sometimes I feel really self-conscious of my past. I don’t want to share certain parts of my story because it shows that I was weak. But that’s just it- I WAS weak. I mean, I still am very weak and am growing every day, but there have been some insanely low points of my life that I am not proud of at all. Recently, through the recent past reflections I have been taking, I have been teaching myself to be proud of my journey. I want to be proud of how far I have come from my horribly low lows. The road I have ended up on is definitely something I am incredibly proud of.
I grew up not hearing much encouragement from anyone, especially my parents. While I know they tried their best, I have definitely suffered greatly from “middle child syndrome” for my entire life. I have felt neglected and less important than others around me since I was born and always focused on making others happy to get positive attention. It was difficult for me to grow up in a situation like that. I imagine that situation to be difficult to many children, middle children or not. Telling myself that I am sincerely proud of myself makes me tear up. This pride is not a self-centered, egotistical pride, but a pride of another kind. I have been so broken for my entire life, searching for someone to tell me they are proud of me. I have finally found peace in feeling worth something, and all I want is for others to feel worthwhile! Every single person on this earth has so much meaning and purpose- there is not one person who doesn’t matter. I want people to know this. I want kids to grow up with people surrounding them telling them they love them and that they are proud of them. I don’t want kids to have to suffer like I had to. I want everyone to know that someone LOVES them and has a plan for them!
God knows everything about me; He knows everything about you. He created us to be in relationships with each other, but most importantly in a relationship with Him. God wants to love on you and tell you He is proud of you. I mess up every day, but I know that God will always be there for me to catch me when I fall. When I make those mistakes, God is there with open arms waiting for me to run back to Him. I know that He has the best life ever laid out for me! God has his arms wide open for you, too. I know that God has an everlasting love for you and all He wants is to see you smile. He wants to see you laugh and wants to be there for you when you cry. He wants to tell you that you are His child and you mean more than the world to Him. After all, God knew how many times we were going to mess up and stray from Him but He still decided to endure the worst death so that we can live! God sent His son, Jesus, to die for us. Jesus was and is pefect. He had no reason to die, but Jesus shed His blood and endured horrific persecution for me and for you. For us! God must see something really special in us to have laid down His life for us. I really believe in that.
Because I know what it feels like to be torn down, all I want to do is lift people up. What is the point of being negative all the time? Is it possible for me to love everything and love everyone I come across? No, it’s not possible of me; but with Jesus, everything is possible.