I have been stuck on a mental plateau that, last night, I finally reached the end of. My mind is now progressing again at a quick pace. Even though the things my mind is obsessing over may not be the brightest, I am so joyful because I am thinking about life in a deeper way than I have been for the past few months. IT feels good to have my mind working again.
Recently I have discovered my artistic abilities are greater than I thought. I want to find my passion in the arts because, as of now, passion is the main component I am lacking. Painting is slow, but the results are beautiful. I think I am so caught up in time recently that the slowness of painting is frustrating me. For who knows when time will end!??!
Next semester I am taking english, mass communication, french, pilates, and an art class. I don't know what art class I want to take. We shall see. I may also take astrology and a few other courses.
GOOD MUSIC
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
so much
There is so much I want to do that I don't even know where to begin. I want to do so much that all I can do is sit here on my bed doing nothing. I feel like I'm wasting my life. I have so many thoughts that just sit in my brain all day long. I feel like I'm going crazy.
I just got a job which I am very excited about. I can't wait to pack up and explore the world. All I want to do for the next year is work work work, save save save, then explore. I feel like I'm stuck in a routine.... the place I said I would never let myself be. Were those only words I was saying in that moment of pure energy? Or am I being real when I tell myself to never settle?
I am settled here, and I hate saying that. I don't want to be here and stay surrounded by these same people. I love this place and I love these people, but I feel trapped. I feel trapped by their standards and words. I want to be myself and do what I want to do, but if I don't know either of those definite answers, how can I?
I was hit by a car on Monday. Two hours prior to the accident, I was confidently telling my friend about how, "I have never been in a car accident and I never will be. Or if I am, it won't be my fault." Well, I was half right.
The accident has changed my mind on a few things. I have so many plans and so many aspirations, but what are plans when my life could change in one second? I am laying here on my aching back because of this car accident, but things could have been so much worse. My life could have been changed forever. Actually, I think my life was changed forever. I am forever changed by Michael Ward, the man in the black Ford Mustang who hit the brakes a second too late and went bumper-to-bumper with my Dodge Neon. Life is so fragile and I think I have so much power over it all. I am so young. I have SO MUCH life ahead of me, but then again I have just as much of a chance that I don't have that much life ahead of me at all.
All I know is that I am here, right now, in this moment.
That is all I know.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
this moment
Well, I'm still on step one. Every day I wake up wanting to move a different direction with my life. One day I am completely set on studying art, the next day it's sociology, and the next it's communication. Today I want to be a journalist. As I sit here listening to Explostions In The Sky, I feel like my head is exploding.I am so focused on life in 10 years that I feel like I'm missing out on what I should be excited about: this moment, right now. What am I doing with my life NOW? I know that everything will fall into place for me and I will end up where God needs me if I just continue to pursue Him. I am so often distracted by the future that I cannot even sit back and enjoy where I am right now, in this moment.
Right now, I'm laying on my bed in my underwear with my dog, Shasta. I am listening to my "chill" playlist on a good friend's old iPod and am typing on my netbook with toothpaste on my face. Right now, I am realizing that no matter how hard I try, I don't know what the future holds for my life. Why am I so caught up in later when I have right now to be thinking about? I am awake and living; what more do I need in this moment?!
I do think that planning for the future is important and I am planning as I go along... I just can't plan every detail.
Step 1, here I come.
p.s. Last night I had a very scary dream. In the dream I was visiting my old water polo coach and team at a pool I had never been to.
It was a weekend tournament and my team wasn't doing too well. My coach was happy to see me but he was intimidating as always. I chatted with my old teammates about their games while we walked down a flight of stairs with huge steps to my house built into the side of what looked like a giant-sized set of bleachers. Once we reached my house my teammates disappeared and I appeared in my home with my mom, "husband," and an old man. To me, this old man was my friend Christina.
While I was in the kitchen, this old man and my family were all sitting at the dining room table. Once the conversation hit a lull, the old man stood up, walked across the room, and turned a light off. My husband walked over to turn the light back on and the old man stabbed him! My husband fell on the floor dead. Shocked, my mother stood up but was captured and strangled by the old man. These deaths happened in mere seconds while I was in the kitchen hearing it all and catching glimpses of struggling shadows cast on the kitchen walls through the doorway. When I slowly walked back into the dining room, the old man seemed a bit distraught, yet surprisingly calm. I didn't understand why at first, but he kept telling me to "put some clothes on;" when I looked down at myself I realized that I only had on an extra-large cardigan.
I was bracing myself for an attack but the murderer seemed uninterested in me. I stood in the middle of the room, awestruck, while the old man quickly gathered his coat, weapon, and a few papers so he could leave my home into what was now the dark, cold night. As he walked toward the door, my hand slipped into my pocket and pulled out my cell phone. Glimpsing at my phone that held the 3 key-strokes to what I thought would be his demise, the old man stopped and turned to me just before his exit. "Don't worry about telling anyone," he said, "because you're next."
Right now, I'm laying on my bed in my underwear with my dog, Shasta. I am listening to my "chill" playlist on a good friend's old iPod and am typing on my netbook with toothpaste on my face. Right now, I am realizing that no matter how hard I try, I don't know what the future holds for my life. Why am I so caught up in later when I have right now to be thinking about? I am awake and living; what more do I need in this moment?!
I do think that planning for the future is important and I am planning as I go along... I just can't plan every detail.
Step 1, here I come.
p.s. Last night I had a very scary dream. In the dream I was visiting my old water polo coach and team at a pool I had never been to.
It was a weekend tournament and my team wasn't doing too well. My coach was happy to see me but he was intimidating as always. I chatted with my old teammates about their games while we walked down a flight of stairs with huge steps to my house built into the side of what looked like a giant-sized set of bleachers. Once we reached my house my teammates disappeared and I appeared in my home with my mom, "husband," and an old man. To me, this old man was my friend Christina.
While I was in the kitchen, this old man and my family were all sitting at the dining room table. Once the conversation hit a lull, the old man stood up, walked across the room, and turned a light off. My husband walked over to turn the light back on and the old man stabbed him! My husband fell on the floor dead. Shocked, my mother stood up but was captured and strangled by the old man. These deaths happened in mere seconds while I was in the kitchen hearing it all and catching glimpses of struggling shadows cast on the kitchen walls through the doorway. When I slowly walked back into the dining room, the old man seemed a bit distraught, yet surprisingly calm. I didn't understand why at first, but he kept telling me to "put some clothes on;" when I looked down at myself I realized that I only had on an extra-large cardigan.
I was bracing myself for an attack but the murderer seemed uninterested in me. I stood in the middle of the room, awestruck, while the old man quickly gathered his coat, weapon, and a few papers so he could leave my home into what was now the dark, cold night. As he walked toward the door, my hand slipped into my pocket and pulled out my cell phone. Glimpsing at my phone that held the 3 key-strokes to what I thought would be his demise, the old man stopped and turned to me just before his exit. "Don't worry about telling anyone," he said, "because you're next."
Monday, September 14, 2009
windy city
Here I am with Jill in Chicago.STEP 1: find a job. After that, everything will fall into place.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Bluey Louie
My 12-year-old parakeet, Bluey Louie, is dying. I can hear his wings flapping in the other room as he struggles to stand on his aged, weak limbs to maneuver himself through his black, cell-like cage. All he wants is a sip of water, but he can barely move a centimeter towards it before he becomes too fatigued to move anymore. He is struggling for his life. All he wants is to make it through to another day, but as I sit here and listen to his struggling wings and shuffling feet, I wonder if his struggle is worth anything. Is it worth it to be alive another day when death is certain around the next corner? Is the struggle really worth anything? Does the one life of this little bird really matter?
Yes. Bluey Louie is the strongest bird I know and has lived a full life. He continues to show his strength through his yearning to take one more step, no matter how painful or heartbreaking it may be. This little bird inspires me to go after everything I want with all that I have because, well, that's all I've got. One life.
Yes. Bluey Louie is the strongest bird I know and has lived a full life. He continues to show his strength through his yearning to take one more step, no matter how painful or heartbreaking it may be. This little bird inspires me to go after everything I want with all that I have because, well, that's all I've got. One life.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
"Yeah Camp!"
That's right, here I go to Lost Canyon for a month of working my buns off! No cell phone, but if you want stay in touch PLEASE write me letters! Preferably letters full of encouragement and love!
Write the address like this!
Kelsey Waldron-Work Crew
Young Life Lost Canyon
1450 Perkinsville Rd
Williams, AZ 86046
Yay (:
So, today I got a letter in the mail from my friend, Tommy. He's working on houseboats all summer! He sent me a Polaroid of himself on a houseboat plus two pages of encouraging words about how life is on the delta. I am so thankful for everything God is doing in his heart while he is away.
Today I felt very organized as I went to OCC to take care of my scholarship information. I had all the information I needed with me, ready and avalible for the woman to take care of everything. I hope that this organization carries on to my next years of schooling!
After I took care of my business in the scholarship office, I went to seek out job information. I easily found a few job openings on campus and that was that. I came home, applied online to the bookstore, and went over to Megan's to swim.
When I dried off after soaking in the pool, I checked my phone and had a text message from my dad telling me to call the OCC book store......... In less than 3 hours after applying I was offered a job! This may all change because of my leaving for a month, but hopefully this job will come through! Regardless of the outcome, life always will continue to be amazing(: I am so thankful for the blessings I have in this life. God, help me to know how to bless others. AMEN!
Write the address like this!
Kelsey Waldron-Work Crew
Young Life Lost Canyon
1450 Perkinsville Rd
Williams, AZ 86046
Yay (:
So, today I got a letter in the mail from my friend, Tommy. He's working on houseboats all summer! He sent me a Polaroid of himself on a houseboat plus two pages of encouraging words about how life is on the delta. I am so thankful for everything God is doing in his heart while he is away.
Today I felt very organized as I went to OCC to take care of my scholarship information. I had all the information I needed with me, ready and avalible for the woman to take care of everything. I hope that this organization carries on to my next years of schooling!
After I took care of my business in the scholarship office, I went to seek out job information. I easily found a few job openings on campus and that was that. I came home, applied online to the bookstore, and went over to Megan's to swim.
When I dried off after soaking in the pool, I checked my phone and had a text message from my dad telling me to call the OCC book store......... In less than 3 hours after applying I was offered a job! This may all change because of my leaving for a month, but hopefully this job will come through! Regardless of the outcome, life always will continue to be amazing(: I am so thankful for the blessings I have in this life. God, help me to know how to bless others. AMEN!
Thursday, July 2, 2009
makes ya feel kinda small
My mind cannot comprehend the things I have been thinking about. I am so blessed to live where I live and to have an amazing family. I am blessed with health, friendship, and the ability to comprehend and understand situations. I am blessed with all these things, but why?
I try my best to use my blessings to bless others, but it's hard. It's difficult to get my head out of this world's self-centered views. I put myself as the center of the universe too often; life is just not like that! I have much importance, but at the same time I mean no more than any other person on this earth. I am important, but we are all important. Without one person, this world would be completely different.
I try my best to use my blessings to bless others, but it's hard. It's difficult to get my head out of this world's self-centered views. I put myself as the center of the universe too often; life is just not like that! I have much importance, but at the same time I mean no more than any other person on this earth. I am important, but we are all important. Without one person, this world would be completely different.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
home
You say all you want is to be real, but you can't even be real with yourself.
This world is so foucused on all the wrong things.
So I saw that there is nothing better for people than to be happy in their work. That is why they are here! No one will bring us back from death to enjoy life after we die. Ecclesiastes 3:22
How wonderful to be wise, to analyze and interpret things.
Wisdom lights up a person's face,
softening it's harshness. Ecclesiastes 8:1
blah blah
everyone is afraid to be vulnerable. I know I am. I try not to be, but I will never pretend I'm not afraid. I see this weakness in myself and I want to get rid of it in the world.
I never want to be in search of ways to tear people down just to lift myself up. I only search and dig for the good in people. I believe in the good; I believe that the good can take over the evil.
there is good all around us in EVERYTHING; we just have to be looking for it.
This world is so foucused on all the wrong things.
So I saw that there is nothing better for people than to be happy in their work. That is why they are here! No one will bring us back from death to enjoy life after we die. Ecclesiastes 3:22
How wonderful to be wise, to analyze and interpret things.
Wisdom lights up a person's face,
softening it's harshness. Ecclesiastes 8:1
blah blah
everyone is afraid to be vulnerable. I know I am. I try not to be, but I will never pretend I'm not afraid. I see this weakness in myself and I want to get rid of it in the world.
I never want to be in search of ways to tear people down just to lift myself up. I only search and dig for the good in people. I believe in the good; I believe that the good can take over the evil.
there is good all around us in EVERYTHING; we just have to be looking for it.
Friday, June 5, 2009
insecure
I think it's important to confront people about things that make you uneasy or uncomfortable.
When I look at people around me I see many people that I believe to be very confident. Are they confident? Or just good actors?
I see the insecurities of people closest to me. Not all of them, but many of them. They have enough trust in me to let me know in some way that they are insecure or self conscious. Whether they say "I am insecure about..." or I can just see the insecurity in the way they act in certain situations, somehow, if they trust me enough to not let their big, insecure secret out to the world, I get a glimpse of my close friends in a light that is shielded from the world. These insecurities are so amazing when they are revealed. The insecurity itself has little meaning, but the fact that the person had enough trust/faith/boldness to go out on a shaky limb in this judgemental world and show me a part of them that is insecure is so beautiful to me.
When someone shows me a completely broken side of themselves I gain so much respect for that person. This world makes insecurities so much greater because of it's judgemental front it puts up for all to fear. I respect people who are strong enough to have a million insecurities yet still be bold for what they believe in. I respect people who are transparent about their insecurities. I hope that I can be that way, and I hope that I can always be someone who is not judgemental like this world is. Let's just be happy and real with each other. I love you.
When I look at people around me I see many people that I believe to be very confident. Are they confident? Or just good actors?
I see the insecurities of people closest to me. Not all of them, but many of them. They have enough trust in me to let me know in some way that they are insecure or self conscious. Whether they say "I am insecure about..." or I can just see the insecurity in the way they act in certain situations, somehow, if they trust me enough to not let their big, insecure secret out to the world, I get a glimpse of my close friends in a light that is shielded from the world. These insecurities are so amazing when they are revealed. The insecurity itself has little meaning, but the fact that the person had enough trust/faith/boldness to go out on a shaky limb in this judgemental world and show me a part of them that is insecure is so beautiful to me.
When someone shows me a completely broken side of themselves I gain so much respect for that person. This world makes insecurities so much greater because of it's judgemental front it puts up for all to fear. I respect people who are strong enough to have a million insecurities yet still be bold for what they believe in. I respect people who are transparent about their insecurities. I hope that I can be that way, and I hope that I can always be someone who is not judgemental like this world is. Let's just be happy and real with each other. I love you.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
this is epic
You cannot pause life. So many times I see people hating where they are and only looking forward, not embracing the moment they are in. I don’t want to be that person. Every moment and every situation is so important to my life and my story. I am so excited to be able to tell people in 20 years that I endured things that I didn’t enjoy with an infectious smile on my face. I never want to say I hate a certain moment of my life. One thing that has been hitting me hard recently as I am about to graduate is how crazy my journey has been. Getting ready to move on has made me look back on my choices and the events that have been huge- or not so huge- in my life.
Sometimes I feel really self-conscious of my past. I don’t want to share certain parts of my story because it shows that I was weak. But that’s just it- I WAS weak. I mean, I still am very weak and am growing every day, but there have been some insanely low points of my life that I am not proud of at all. Recently, through the recent past reflections I have been taking, I have been teaching myself to be proud of my journey. I want to be proud of how far I have come from my horribly low lows. The road I have ended up on is definitely something I am incredibly proud of.
I grew up not hearing much encouragement from anyone, especially my parents. While I know they tried their best, I have definitely suffered greatly from “middle child syndrome” for my entire life. I have felt neglected and less important than others around me since I was born and always focused on making others happy to get positive attention. It was difficult for me to grow up in a situation like that. I imagine that situation to be difficult to many children, middle children or not. Telling myself that I am sincerely proud of myself makes me tear up. This pride is not a self-centered, egotistical pride, but a pride of another kind. I have been so broken for my entire life, searching for someone to tell me they are proud of me. I have finally found peace in feeling worth something, and all I want is for others to feel worthwhile! Every single person on this earth has so much meaning and purpose- there is not one person who doesn’t matter. I want people to know this. I want kids to grow up with people surrounding them telling them they love them and that they are proud of them. I don’t want kids to have to suffer like I had to. I want everyone to know that someone LOVES them and has a plan for them!
God knows everything about me; He knows everything about you. He created us to be in relationships with each other, but most importantly in a relationship with Him. God wants to love on you and tell you He is proud of you. I mess up every day, but I know that God will always be there for me to catch me when I fall. When I make those mistakes, God is there with open arms waiting for me to run back to Him. I know that He has the best life ever laid out for me! God has his arms wide open for you, too. I know that God has an everlasting love for you and all He wants is to see you smile. He wants to see you laugh and wants to be there for you when you cry. He wants to tell you that you are His child and you mean more than the world to Him. After all, God knew how many times we were going to mess up and stray from Him but He still decided to endure the worst death so that we can live! God sent His son, Jesus, to die for us. Jesus was and is pefect. He had no reason to die, but Jesus shed His blood and endured horrific persecution for me and for you. For us! God must see something really special in us to have laid down His life for us. I really believe in that.
Because I know what it feels like to be torn down, all I want to do is lift people up. What is the point of being negative all the time? Is it possible for me to love everything and love everyone I come across? No, it’s not possible of me; but with Jesus, everything is possible.
Sometimes I feel really self-conscious of my past. I don’t want to share certain parts of my story because it shows that I was weak. But that’s just it- I WAS weak. I mean, I still am very weak and am growing every day, but there have been some insanely low points of my life that I am not proud of at all. Recently, through the recent past reflections I have been taking, I have been teaching myself to be proud of my journey. I want to be proud of how far I have come from my horribly low lows. The road I have ended up on is definitely something I am incredibly proud of.
I grew up not hearing much encouragement from anyone, especially my parents. While I know they tried their best, I have definitely suffered greatly from “middle child syndrome” for my entire life. I have felt neglected and less important than others around me since I was born and always focused on making others happy to get positive attention. It was difficult for me to grow up in a situation like that. I imagine that situation to be difficult to many children, middle children or not. Telling myself that I am sincerely proud of myself makes me tear up. This pride is not a self-centered, egotistical pride, but a pride of another kind. I have been so broken for my entire life, searching for someone to tell me they are proud of me. I have finally found peace in feeling worth something, and all I want is for others to feel worthwhile! Every single person on this earth has so much meaning and purpose- there is not one person who doesn’t matter. I want people to know this. I want kids to grow up with people surrounding them telling them they love them and that they are proud of them. I don’t want kids to have to suffer like I had to. I want everyone to know that someone LOVES them and has a plan for them!
God knows everything about me; He knows everything about you. He created us to be in relationships with each other, but most importantly in a relationship with Him. God wants to love on you and tell you He is proud of you. I mess up every day, but I know that God will always be there for me to catch me when I fall. When I make those mistakes, God is there with open arms waiting for me to run back to Him. I know that He has the best life ever laid out for me! God has his arms wide open for you, too. I know that God has an everlasting love for you and all He wants is to see you smile. He wants to see you laugh and wants to be there for you when you cry. He wants to tell you that you are His child and you mean more than the world to Him. After all, God knew how many times we were going to mess up and stray from Him but He still decided to endure the worst death so that we can live! God sent His son, Jesus, to die for us. Jesus was and is pefect. He had no reason to die, but Jesus shed His blood and endured horrific persecution for me and for you. For us! God must see something really special in us to have laid down His life for us. I really believe in that.
Because I know what it feels like to be torn down, all I want to do is lift people up. What is the point of being negative all the time? Is it possible for me to love everything and love everyone I come across? No, it’s not possible of me; but with Jesus, everything is possible.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
hm
On Thursday I took my placement tests at OCC. They were relatively simple and everything is good with that. My best friend was even at school when I was there so we got to hang out! Woo! When I got back to my car with Jen after my tests there was a $17 parking ticket on my window. It was lame but I didn't let it bum me out. At that point in time, I had $13 in my possession.
I kind of forgot about my ticket, and I also forgot that I had to babysit on Friday night. I planned to hang out with some of my friends that night, completely forgetting about the previous commitment I had made! We were on our way to the beach when I got a phone call from the house I was supposed to be at. We quickly turned around and I got my little tush over there! Unfortunately, because of my horrible memory and lack of correct planning, I had to let down my friends that I had planned a fun night with. I was sad about that, but babysitting was very fun. The kids were so nice and we played Butts Up like nobody's business!
The parents got home at 11; the kids were already in bed. We all had a good night. As I was driving home with my payment of $32 in my pocket, I realized that God had completely provided for the ticket I had received the day prior. I drove home humbled.
I kind of forgot about my ticket, and I also forgot that I had to babysit on Friday night. I planned to hang out with some of my friends that night, completely forgetting about the previous commitment I had made! We were on our way to the beach when I got a phone call from the house I was supposed to be at. We quickly turned around and I got my little tush over there! Unfortunately, because of my horrible memory and lack of correct planning, I had to let down my friends that I had planned a fun night with. I was sad about that, but babysitting was very fun. The kids were so nice and we played Butts Up like nobody's business!
The parents got home at 11; the kids were already in bed. We all had a good night. As I was driving home with my payment of $32 in my pocket, I realized that God had completely provided for the ticket I had received the day prior. I drove home humbled.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
mkay gurl!
God is so good. How can we go around hating life when God has blessed us with so much!? Every breath you take is such a blessing; embrace every one!
I love encouraging people. I want to surround myself with them. Jesus is the only thing that matters. Why is that such a hard concept to remember sometimes? This world tells you things that will only break you down. I KNOW that Jesus will NEVER let you down!!! If you think He has let you down, just wait; something amazing is going to come from it.
I love encouraging people. I want to surround myself with them. Jesus is the only thing that matters. Why is that such a hard concept to remember sometimes? This world tells you things that will only break you down. I KNOW that Jesus will NEVER let you down!!! If you think He has let you down, just wait; something amazing is going to come from it.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
anger problems?
Found this on a website:
"A Parallel
If I get a splinter in my finger, my body reliably tells me about
it. Only by knowing about it will I know to get some tweezers
and remove it.
When I remove the splinter, my body gives a sigh of relief, as if
to say, "Thanks, I needed that."
While the splinter is still in my finger, that spot is very tender
and easily hurt. But once the splinter is removed, then healing
can occur. When healed, my finger no longer over-reacts to
being touched (or poked).
The Root Cause Of Your Anger
In a similar way, there is some wound inside you that causes
you to spontaneously, emotionally, react when someone
pokes you with a sharp stick.
In other words, the painful, angry reaction is proof that a
"splinter" exists,
Angry outbursts are God's way of saying, "There is a
splinter here that needs to be removed."
After the "splinter" is removed and the wound heals,
there will be less and less outbursts of anger, and
eventually none.
Anger Is Not Sin
The emotion of anger is not sin. However, it can impel us to
sinful behavior.
"Be angry, and do not sin. Meditate within your
heart on your bed, and be still (Psalms 4:4 NKJV).
Instead of trying to bury your anger, you need to recognize
that it is simply a warning signal telling you there is a problem
inside (a wound that just got poked). You need this
information so that you can "remove the splinter."
Instead of running from your anger, you should "meditate
within your heart" to find the root cause.
A Spiritual Solution
A splinter is a physical thing, and needs a physical solution -
take out the splinter with a pair of tweezers, and disinfect it so
it can heal.
A wound in the heart requires a spiritual "tool" to remove the
offense, so that healing can occur.
How?
The reason you have not succeeded in eliminating your anger
problem is that you haven't known exactly how you can
accomplish a change through Jesus Christ."
"A Parallel
If I get a splinter in my finger, my body reliably tells me about
it. Only by knowing about it will I know to get some tweezers
and remove it.
When I remove the splinter, my body gives a sigh of relief, as if
to say, "Thanks, I needed that."
While the splinter is still in my finger, that spot is very tender
and easily hurt. But once the splinter is removed, then healing
can occur. When healed, my finger no longer over-reacts to
being touched (or poked).
The Root Cause Of Your Anger
In a similar way, there is some wound inside you that causes
you to spontaneously, emotionally, react when someone
pokes you with a sharp stick.
In other words, the painful, angry reaction is proof that a
"splinter" exists,
Angry outbursts are God's way of saying, "There is a
splinter here that needs to be removed."
After the "splinter" is removed and the wound heals,
there will be less and less outbursts of anger, and
eventually none.
Anger Is Not Sin
The emotion of anger is not sin. However, it can impel us to
sinful behavior.
"Be angry, and do not sin. Meditate within your
heart on your bed, and be still (Psalms 4:4 NKJV).
Instead of trying to bury your anger, you need to recognize
that it is simply a warning signal telling you there is a problem
inside (a wound that just got poked). You need this
information so that you can "remove the splinter."
Instead of running from your anger, you should "meditate
within your heart" to find the root cause.
A Spiritual Solution
A splinter is a physical thing, and needs a physical solution -
take out the splinter with a pair of tweezers, and disinfect it so
it can heal.
A wound in the heart requires a spiritual "tool" to remove the
offense, so that healing can occur.
How?
The reason you have not succeeded in eliminating your anger
problem is that you haven't known exactly how you can
accomplish a change through Jesus Christ."
The normalcy of blowing off plans or being stood up in today's society is crazy. Everyone wants instant gratification and thinks that others need that, too. When you run into someone you haven't seen in a while it's normal to say "AW I miss you we need to hang out!" then never call. It has become so normal to say those words that in the moment when you see each other it would be "awkward" to not say that, even if you don't really feel that way. Sure, it happens and people actually do end up hanging out and catching up, but it goes either way.
People make plans and say "definitely" when in their minds they are thinking "if nothing better comes up". It's just disappointing. I am guilty of this, but I don't want to be anymore. It disgusts me about our culture. So does text messaging in front of friends or in the middle of a story. It's become so normal, but I don't want to be that person. I want to give you my full attention. Sure sometimes a text message is needed but I don't want to be that way anymore.
Ways to improve my life:
1. Be accountable- stick to plans, or stop saying definitely and start saying maybe.
2. Be attentive- don't let a text message interrupt conversation.
wassup! peace sucka free sundae
People make plans and say "definitely" when in their minds they are thinking "if nothing better comes up". It's just disappointing. I am guilty of this, but I don't want to be anymore. It disgusts me about our culture. So does text messaging in front of friends or in the middle of a story. It's become so normal, but I don't want to be that person. I want to give you my full attention. Sure sometimes a text message is needed but I don't want to be that way anymore.
Ways to improve my life:
1. Be accountable- stick to plans, or stop saying definitely and start saying maybe.
2. Be attentive- don't let a text message interrupt conversation.
wassup! peace sucka free sundae
I am laughing
I have 7 locked text messages on my phone. I read them when I need a good laugh or my mind needs something to ponder. They are awesome hahaha.
Dating has me so stumped right now. So many people around me are constantly dating someone; It makes me frustrated how people expect me to be like that too. Maybe I just have high standards, but I'm not the kind of person who meets anyone then jumps straight into a relationship with them. Friendship is so important to me when it comes to someone I choose to date. Guys who meet me then start up the dating/relationship talks when we first start hanging out really turn me off. I don't just "casually date" people. When a guy is pursuing me in that way right off the bat it makes me feel like my mind and the way I think have nothing to do with whether or not he wants to be with me. It makes me feel like how I look or how I outwardly present myself are the only reasons they are pursuing me. I like my mind; I want a man who appreciates it too. I do think that physical attraction is important, but I know that the next man I'm going to date is going to be the one who pursues me completely as a friend, a brother in Christ.
All I want is to be friends with everyone. I'm going to marry one man, so why not be friends with the rest of them? Better question: why waste my time with the rest of them?
I'm so done being fake with everyone. Yesterday I danced like I haven't danced in months, and it felt so good. I realize I have become so caught up in.. something, recently. I'm so happy I'm not anymore and I done trying to impress others. I am ffffrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee myspace.com/willcrum
Dating has me so stumped right now. So many people around me are constantly dating someone; It makes me frustrated how people expect me to be like that too. Maybe I just have high standards, but I'm not the kind of person who meets anyone then jumps straight into a relationship with them. Friendship is so important to me when it comes to someone I choose to date. Guys who meet me then start up the dating/relationship talks when we first start hanging out really turn me off. I don't just "casually date" people. When a guy is pursuing me in that way right off the bat it makes me feel like my mind and the way I think have nothing to do with whether or not he wants to be with me. It makes me feel like how I look or how I outwardly present myself are the only reasons they are pursuing me. I like my mind; I want a man who appreciates it too. I do think that physical attraction is important, but I know that the next man I'm going to date is going to be the one who pursues me completely as a friend, a brother in Christ.
All I want is to be friends with everyone. I'm going to marry one man, so why not be friends with the rest of them? Better question: why waste my time with the rest of them?
I'm so done being fake with everyone. Yesterday I danced like I haven't danced in months, and it felt so good. I realize I have become so caught up in.. something, recently. I'm so happy I'm not anymore and I done trying to impress others. I am ffffrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee myspace.com/willcrum
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
I imagine the rest of my life
I want to be sitting somewhere I love- this place is travelling everywhere and picking different people up. All these people are in this place, meeting each other and getting along. There are no hard feelings, no harsh words; just love. Everyone is helping and everyone is talking. Real talking, not fake, gossip talk. Talking about things that matter and not paying attention to anything else. What matters anyways? I hope the cover of People magazine or any of those are the last things you would ever list.
People are walking in and out, smiling, laughing, chatting; going places. This is what life is about: relationships and walking with others through life. All I want to do is meet people and walk through life with them. When times get hard, I want to be there for them and I want to be able to count on them to be there for me. Nothing should be hidden or kept secret; what's the point? Most problems arise when people don't directly and rationally confront something bothering them. And if they are confronted, people let themselves get too hurt over the truth. If it's the truth, let it be. Our minds are so powerful that we can make ourselves believe a completely exaggerated or incorrect "truth". Let's not let that happen. Reality is all I want from everyone. Is my reality different than yours? Maybe. Let's talk about it.
People are walking in and out, smiling, laughing, chatting; going places. This is what life is about: relationships and walking with others through life. All I want to do is meet people and walk through life with them. When times get hard, I want to be there for them and I want to be able to count on them to be there for me. Nothing should be hidden or kept secret; what's the point? Most problems arise when people don't directly and rationally confront something bothering them. And if they are confronted, people let themselves get too hurt over the truth. If it's the truth, let it be. Our minds are so powerful that we can make ourselves believe a completely exaggerated or incorrect "truth". Let's not let that happen. Reality is all I want from everyone. Is my reality different than yours? Maybe. Let's talk about it.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
feels good
I'm angry. I'm mad because I have not been my happy self this past month. A month of not feeling like myself has just put more anger inside of me. It's been a cycle of not being myself and being angry about the fact that I can't take control of that. A really angry, not-myself cycle. I don't know why I haven't been myself. I just want to be completely full of joy again. I remember I used to be completely FILLED and overflowing with joy but I lost something somewhere. Somehow I just got off track and it frustrates me that I can't get back on track! I'm mad at myself for not being able to figure things out and I'm mad at God for not telling me things I want to know about now and about the future. I'm so angry that I can't even listen anymore. I'm sure if I opened my eyes to see and let my ears listen and let my mind comprehend, I would be able to hear what God has been trying to say to me all along. But I have too much anger inside to try and do those things!!! I have never let myself be angry with God and people have been telling me recently that it's not a good thing. Not being angry with God means I don't let myself be completely open with God, or with anyone. I have just recently been able to tell everything about my life to people and it feels so good. I was falling so low but now I feel like I am starting to have things in control. The more I start to feel like i have control, the more God makes things crazier so I feel like all my control is gone! This is God saying "Hellllllloooooo, give it all to ME! Your burden is heavy! Let me help!" I have always been the kind of person who wants to do everything by myself. I realize this, but the mere realization of this part of me does not fix the problem. No matter how much I say I need to let God take these burdens from me, I won't let Him. Jesus died the worst death so that I would have life to the fullest, and I won't let myself take hold of that! I am too scared to let God have all of my life. He used to have all of me; I used to be filled with joy. Now that I am growing and more opportunities and doors are opening for me, I don't know which way to choose. I say I want to do things for God's glory, but do I? Is my passion selfish, or selfless? I'm having a hard time distinguishing between the two. Is that God's voice? or Satan's? I want SO BADLY to live my life for Christ but I forget how! How can I forget something so significant in my life? I have been shoving all my questions, doubts and anxiety away thinking I was giving them to God to handle when in reality I was just keeping it all for myself for the back of my mind to figure out. I wish it wasn't so easy to lose sight of meaningful things.
I don't enjoy letting myself be angry with God. After all, He created me and everything in the huge freakin universe! But maybe what people have been telling me is right. I am God's child and I am bound to not understand Him sometimes. He knows everything; I know so little. I stated above that I felt anger towards God.... there's a step in the right direction I think. These long-evaded tears flowing down my face are telling me that this is a step forward.
I am being vulnerable right now. I think as humans that's something we try to do as little as possible. It sets us up for pain, something I know most people hate.
I've been reading my old posts on here and laughing at myself. I miss my joyful self. I really miss that. I miss having laughing attacks and always being the person to go to when you needed a smile. I miss being encouraging to others, but mostly to myself. People have been telling me I need to be more selfish sometimes and take some time for myself, but that's not it. It's God. It's all God! Life is so meaningless. Fights are soo meaningless. Hurt feelings are meaningless. Lies and deceit are meaningless. Momental happiness is meaningless. But LOVE, great and unconditional: that is what matters.
I'm listening to copeland, reading my old posts, and I am so proud of myself. No one ever tells me they're proud of me. A few nights ago, while I was being my recently very antisocial-self, an amazing friend came over to talk with me. He told me, after I laid down all my insecurities about my life and my ministry, "When you get to heaven, God is going to take you in his arms and tell you 'Daughter, I am proud of you.'" That meant so much to me.
I'm gettting back to how I used to be. If you read this monster of a post, thank you for taking a journey through my mind and heart with me. This has been a really awesome blog to write. I am crying right now, tears of awe. God is so awesome. He is the reason I was so passionate and the reason I feel passion coming back inside me. Reading my old posts has been so funny and amazing. I laugh at how happy I wrote in some of them. So much passion behind my words. Why did that leave me? Now I realize it didn't leave me; I ran away from it. Right now, God, I am running back to you. I pray that I stop forgetting the reason I am where I am today. My life would be worthless without you, God.
I give it all. Take it, I don't want it anymore. I do not have a soul; I am a soul. I have a body.
I don't enjoy letting myself be angry with God. After all, He created me and everything in the huge freakin universe! But maybe what people have been telling me is right. I am God's child and I am bound to not understand Him sometimes. He knows everything; I know so little. I stated above that I felt anger towards God.... there's a step in the right direction I think. These long-evaded tears flowing down my face are telling me that this is a step forward.
I am being vulnerable right now. I think as humans that's something we try to do as little as possible. It sets us up for pain, something I know most people hate.
I've been reading my old posts on here and laughing at myself. I miss my joyful self. I really miss that. I miss having laughing attacks and always being the person to go to when you needed a smile. I miss being encouraging to others, but mostly to myself. People have been telling me I need to be more selfish sometimes and take some time for myself, but that's not it. It's God. It's all God! Life is so meaningless. Fights are soo meaningless. Hurt feelings are meaningless. Lies and deceit are meaningless. Momental happiness is meaningless. But LOVE, great and unconditional: that is what matters.
I'm listening to copeland, reading my old posts, and I am so proud of myself. No one ever tells me they're proud of me. A few nights ago, while I was being my recently very antisocial-self, an amazing friend came over to talk with me. He told me, after I laid down all my insecurities about my life and my ministry, "When you get to heaven, God is going to take you in his arms and tell you 'Daughter, I am proud of you.'" That meant so much to me.
I'm gettting back to how I used to be. If you read this monster of a post, thank you for taking a journey through my mind and heart with me. This has been a really awesome blog to write. I am crying right now, tears of awe. God is so awesome. He is the reason I was so passionate and the reason I feel passion coming back inside me. Reading my old posts has been so funny and amazing. I laugh at how happy I wrote in some of them. So much passion behind my words. Why did that leave me? Now I realize it didn't leave me; I ran away from it. Right now, God, I am running back to you. I pray that I stop forgetting the reason I am where I am today. My life would be worthless without you, God.
I give it all. Take it, I don't want it anymore. I do not have a soul; I am a soul. I have a body.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
crave
I crave reality. I can't believe so many people go so long in this life being fake to everyone! It bums me out! My life has been SO amazing ever since I started being real with myself and everyone around me. It makes me sad that people are too afraid to let themselves be real! It's scary at first, letting your real self be vulnerable. But after you stop being fake for a while, you realize that being fake takes so much work and the effects aren't even worth it in the end. Being real is so much more rewarding.
Plans (that may or may not change):
1. Graduate (hopefully this plan does not change)
2. OakBridge with Megan, Lissele & other ladies
3. LostCanyon for a month with the new best friends I haven't met yet
4. Keep making my relationship with Christ so much stronger
5. Palm Springs / a taste of freedom
6. Summer = Get fit
7. Keep taking pictures
8. Art @ OCC
9. Agency hunting
Plans (that may or may not change):
1. Graduate (hopefully this plan does not change)
2. OakBridge with Megan, Lissele & other ladies
3. LostCanyon for a month with the new best friends I haven't met yet
4. Keep making my relationship with Christ so much stronger
5. Palm Springs / a taste of freedom
6. Summer = Get fit
7. Keep taking pictures
8. Art @ OCC
9. Agency hunting
Thursday, March 26, 2009
blessed
I am so happy right now. God's hand has been all over my life and I hate how I miss that so easily. I have been so blessed and I am thankful.
I'm trying not to stress over anything. Meaningless, vanity, that's all this world consists of. There is nothing to be stressed about. If being real with someone means hurting their feelings, then that is alright. The truth is 100% always better than even the smallest lie. I have met someone I can be completely honest with and he is completely honest with me. He makes me want to be a better person and encourages me like crazy. I am blessed.
In stopping trying so hard to make everything work, I have realized that the most simple things are the most amazing things. When you meet someone and things just don't work, don't force anything no matter how much you think you want to like them. When you meet someone who fits perfectly with you, nothing is forced about it. There are no bad feelings involved. There is no confusion. You just know, I guess.
I'm trying not to stress over anything. Meaningless, vanity, that's all this world consists of. There is nothing to be stressed about. If being real with someone means hurting their feelings, then that is alright. The truth is 100% always better than even the smallest lie. I have met someone I can be completely honest with and he is completely honest with me. He makes me want to be a better person and encourages me like crazy. I am blessed.
In stopping trying so hard to make everything work, I have realized that the most simple things are the most amazing things. When you meet someone and things just don't work, don't force anything no matter how much you think you want to like them. When you meet someone who fits perfectly with you, nothing is forced about it. There are no bad feelings involved. There is no confusion. You just know, I guess.
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